finding the private/public balance.

man, i so want to be one of those women who just lay it all out there and don't give a damn about what other people think or say. i *so* want to just hop onto this blog and tell you all about what the past month has been like for me, and why i'm pissed that stories like mine aren't a part of the typical narrative in the childbirth class.

but i don't. i even tried a few times ... starting posts and them deleting them before i got beyond a paragraph or two. because at the end of the day, i don't know you. and you don't know me. and that amount of exposure necessarily produces a certain amount of vulnerability. like walking around in public in your underwear.

and the funny thing is, it's not so much the people i don't know ... or the people i'm close to ... it's the people in between. you know, the people i've forgotten that i've told about this blog. or the random facebook friends who stumbled on this blog because stupid instagram linked it to my real life facebook page.

i write under a pseudonym because i want the little bit of privacy and control that it affords. but after awhile, that privacy morphs, and the control unravels just a little, and always when you're not looking.

so i wish i was one of those women who could be all bold and share words like "cervix" and "mucus plug" and not think "dear God, i'm talking all about my lady business to people who know my real name but aren't necessarily my friends." but alas, i am not. i am not as brave as i thought i was when i started this blog. i'm not as bold. i'm not as honest or as willing to put myself out there. because in the end, i'm a real person with real insecurities and challenges, that i'm not always willing to let other people in on.

who knows? maybe in a month or two, i'll feel completely different about what the past few weeks has been like, and i'll want to share ... mainly because it just caught me off guard, because i hadn't heard a similar experience before ... and i want to put it out there for the benefit of others ... and maybe i won't.

things i'm looking forward to.

these are the things i've been looking forward to, now for months. and while in some ways, they feel like a carrot that is dangled before me, never to get closer, no matter how i move, i can't help but think about them...

1. laying on my stomach. so often, i just want to stretch out on the bed or couch, propped up on my elbows to read a book. i can't wait to do this again.
2. sleep on my back. this was my favorite position for the past few years. i cannot wait to return to it.
3. drink alcohol.
4. sit without feeling my stomach on my own lap.
5. be able to reach things on the car floor without getting all the way out of the car and bending down to get them.
6. being able to get into and out of the car in one movement, instead of 3 maneauvers.
7. rolling over in my sleep without waking up or shimmeying, or having to rearrange the 8 pillows that  prop me up.
8. not being asked by strangers when i'm due or what i'm having [please, God, let this go away once he's out.]
9. everyone and their brother asking in public spheres, like facebook, about when i'm going to have the baby. [spoiler alert:: if i knew, we'd have had him by now, folks.]
10. not accidentally bumping into things because i'm not used to having a 60 inch waiste-line.

an open letter to my cervix.

dear cervix,

how's it going? oh not much going on here, just, you know, wrapping up work and trying to get things together for the baby. pretty tired since i haven't been sleeping well, but i hear that's typical.

listen, i wanted to talk to you about something ... first off, you've really done a terrific job for us. you've been holding in an ever-growing person, and that is really something to be proud of. i know that maybe you've heard of other cervixes being labelled "incompetent," but dude, you've more than proved how competent you are. you're a grade-A cervix. class act. the go-to-guy on the team. cervix of the year.

i say all this to let you know that i've been so thrilled with your work thus far, but that you don't need to continue to perform at the same level you've been performing the past 36 weeks. honestly, if you keep it up, you might kill us both. and while i'm super happy with the job you've done, half of doing a great job is knowing when to finish. you know, when to call it quits. put a bow on it and send it on its way. maybe you've just been working so hard for so long that you can't imagine your life any differently. i get it. change is hard ... especially when you get a great opportunity to shine. no one wants to walk away from a project they're seeing a lot of success with. i get that. but sometimes when we over-stay our welcome, that success can quickly turn sour.

cervix, you've done a great job and i'm super grateful. but it's time to step aside and let the other stars shine. please think about what i've said.

best,
ann.

rest. i've been resting.

miss me? i can't believe it's been two weeks without a single post. what i can't believe even more is how much i haven't really noticed.

well, i take that back ... i'm always writing blog posts in my head to you all ... things happen in my life and i think about how funny they are, or thought-provoking, and i want to share that with you. but the honest to goodness truth is that in the past 2+ weeks (because my last post was the only one i posted that week), i've just been too tired. and i'm not used to it. i'm used to taking on the world and pushing myself hard and getting it done. but "they" are right ... the 3rd trimester is exhausting ... just like the first. except now, i also have insomnia, so some times, i'm so exhausted and still can't sleep or get comfortable ... but i also don't have the energy to get up and be productive. but i guess that's life.

meanwhile, i still don't have anything set up and ready for the baby yet. i really need to get on that. like yesterday. but since i last posted, i went to a conference in philly, a wedding in virginia, and an ordination and baptism in new york. apparently i felt the need to get three trips packed into my last two weeks that i'm allowed to travel. but don't worry, i'm staying in bmore for the duration. and believe me, i'm thrilled about that. i'm happy to not have to pack up again ... just a bag for the hospital. and i'm happy to get back to the regular day to day things ... like getting caught back up on laundry and cleaning the bathroom ... because with all the travel (and steve at the end of the semester), these things have only gotten attention when there was a crisis situation, like no clean underwear.

this week, i've been taking it easy at work, taking back some of the extra hours i'd put in over the previous two weeks, and am purging and packing up things i don't readily use, to create space for a pack-n-play, so that the kid has somewhere to sleep.

how are you all? i do miss sharing my silly little stories with you. i think the hardest part of the fatigue for me is the mental fatigue ... when i just can't even get up enough energy to write myself a to-do list. that's when you know i've been hit hard :) and i miss writing for myself and for you all. hopefully in these last few weeks before the kid arrives, i'll find a little creative energy to write and let you know how it's all coming together. because boy, do i have stories to share .... :)

string lanterns, pests, time, and the retreat.

here's your (somewhat) regular installment of random items i decide to talk about on here instead of putting together a full narrative.

• i threw out my string lanterns. because i'm trying to pre-pack our home and clear out the clutter, i just decided that it wasn't likely that i would get them hung any time soon, and it just wasn't worth carefully packing them away. also, the biggest and best one (the one meant for the light bulb kit to make it into an actual lamp) had gotten a little spot of mouse blood on it. [yes, you read that right. mouse blood. if you don't follow me on twitter or facebook, you may not know about the unfortunate night my husband had the bludgeon a mouse to death for mercy-killing reasons. see what you're missing out on??]
  
  also?? i was having difficulty getting them to hang nicely together in a grouping. this is partially because i'm way too annal about these things. so in an effort to eliminate clutter, i 86'ed them. sorry if you're utterly crushed by the lack of a final reveal. i'll make it up to you. [what am i saying?? i probably won't. don't hold me to that.]
  
   
• we've gone something crazy like 5 or 6 weeks without any mice sightings or evidence. and then we caught one a couple of nights ago. also this week, the ants have been marching two by two into my home. so i'm fighting a pest war on two fronts. this house is my freaking waterloo, i swear it. any romantic notions i formerly had about living in an urban setting in a 100+ yr old rowhouse have been replaced with pining for new construction, complete with a poured foundation (over brick), contemporary plumbing, and lots of glorious three-pronged outlets. i'm probably a sell-out, but i'm tired of fighting the good fight for some youthful whim that i no longer find motivation in. mcmansions are my new dream homes.
  
   
• i guess at 8+ months preg, most women start to feel like time is crawling by and they just want the baby to hurry up and get here already. not me. not in the least. not even a little bit. instead, i'm going into "holy crap, i only have 6 more weeks to get work done, maybe less!!!" mode. there's WAY more i need to do for work, and for our home (see above re: pests) before i feel ready for a third person to enter our family, and for me to be exhausted and out of commission. it doesn't help that steve's in the final stretch of the semester, with two weeks left to write two big philosophical papers, and so i'm trying to give him space to do that and not expect much from him (housework and moving wise) until that enormous burden is off his shoulders.
  
  can life just slow down a wee bit, so that we both can get everything done that needs to  get done.
  
   
• this past week was childbirth class #3. we covered the transition phase of labor and c-sections. can i just ask a question ... why would they put those two things in the same week?? i went from the past two classes, walking out feeling empowered to birth a child, to this week, where i got in the car and cried, replaying for myself the animation of a surgeon's hands slicing into an abdomen and separating abdominal muscles. gross.
  
  so i'm retreating back to denial for just a little bit. because it's safe and warm and nobody here is having a baby, mmmkay?
  

creating space.

three dimensional space has been a challenge lately. it first started being a problem when a few family members kindly bought and gave us a car seat. we put it in the car, behind the passenger seat, and suddenly, i was claustrophobic in my own car. i couldn't slide my seat backwards to create more leg room, or tilt the seat back at all. i seriously felt like i couldn't get a deep breath.

at the same time, steve and i macguyver / ninja packed all the awesome and kind gifts that were given us into our car. they pretty much filled the trunk and backseat. that was four weeks ago and i still haven't brought the stuff in from the trunk. it's not because i'm not grateful. and it's actually not a ploy of denial (not this time, anyway) ... it's because i just don't have anywhere to put it all yet.

and so two weeks ago, i did the most american and bourgeois thing i've ever done in my life ... i began renting a self-storage unit. i could go on and on about how this is so not me to have to PAY people to keep my junk for me!! i mean, the whole idea just exemplifies how much consumerism there is in our culture, and how we don't know how to live simply, and how much we worship our material possessions that even things we don't need or use on a regular basis, and don't have the space for, need to be kept. it's just an organized form of hoarding. [can you tell i have a small soapbox i like to stand on when it comes to this issue??] and yet i signed on the dotted line to join the ranks of people who pay to store their junk. because i needed to create a little more room in our current home.

last week, i went through all the clothes that we've been given for the baby, and i separated it all into three plastic bins ... one for the 6 months and up stuff that we likely won't need for awhile ... one for the newborn and 0-3 months stuff that we'll likely need asap (i have a feeling we won't use the newborn stuff at all) ... and one for everything in between. two of the bins went up in the closet in space i freed up by bringing our down comforter and air mattress over to our storage unit.

and now i'm slowly going through our home and re-organizing things because i need to feel like we have more space in this home. i need to feel less cluttered, and like i don't need to rearrange a room just to vacuum or mop. this is not nesting ... it's re-organizing everything so that when i am nesting, i can just deal with the cleaning and such, instead of also having to do things like pack and cart over to the storage unit.

the last time i did a major reorganization and purging of our material possessions was in the months before we moved to arizona ... which was almost 3 years ago. i knew that we would be going from a spacious two bedroom apartment with ample closet space and a huge storage room ... to a one bedroom apartment (450 sq ft), minimal closet space, and no storage space. then, i was doing it because our life needed to shrink down to the size of a moving truck and economy apartment. this time, i need to shrink our life to create more space for things like baby furniture and diapers and lots of small clothes that somehow take up a lot of space.

and every day, this person inside of me pushes and kicks, trying to somehow find more space to grow in the span between my pelvis and my ribs. [spoiler: i think we may be reaching maximum capacity. maximum occupancy. no vacancy here. no room at the inn. if-you-know-what-i-mean.]

it's incredible to think about how much three dimensional space a person needs, even when you strive to live simply and don't buy half the gadgets and gear that are marketed to new mothers ... there still needs to be a space created for this new person to occupy in our home and in our life.

gender roles, family, & work: we still forget about the men.

this past week there was a whole big to do in the media between hillary rosen and ann romney. honestly, what i think was a perfectly acceptable comment from hillary rosen somehow was interpreted that being a stay at home mom is not real work.

[the comment was that ann romney doesn't know the value of a hard day's work and therefore cannot be a spokesperson for women's views on the economic situation ... and let's be honest, whether you're a dem, rep, whatever, you and i know that ann, as nice as she may be, doesn't live where we live ... no matter what choices we've made ... her choice to stay at home and raise children is not the same choice many of my friends have made, who have families of 4 - 6 people on $50K or less a year, and clip coupons and swap clothes with other families to make ends meet every month.]

for the love of all that is good and holy and decent. are we really going there?? again?? 

and so the media circus went for round 8 million to rile up the natives on whether staying at home constitutes work (**ahem**, if you're ann romney, it probably still doesn't--but i won't go there) and what is the laziest lifestyle, and who can be more self-rigteous and emotionally indignant about their life choices.

and all week i heard this clamor ... but not once did anyone talk about the men who choose to stay home. and after all, THAT is what this whole discussion began with ... right?? with scott walker in WI declaring that equal pay is not needed, that men need to work more than women do?? and somehow, the media allowed us to get side-tracked and forget about all the amazing husbands who put their career aside or on hold, because they too see the value of being involved with their kids, and want to also give their wives the chance to be successful in the workplace.

how the hell did we not notice this?? we all talk about everyone's choices being legitimate, but when the national conversation arises, we completely ignore the fact that the real issue here being debated is that it's freaking hard to raise a family on one income, and people like scott walker who still think this is 1952 are screwing over the amazing renaissance men who have stepped up to the plate to be managers of their homes and primary care-givers to their children.

once again, we allow the 24 hr "news" cycle to hand us a pitchfork, so that we can get whipped into an emotional frenzy and have the same. exact. argument. once again, instead of recognizing that there is a larger context, and maybe it's not worth getting all bent out of shape about.

honestly, i wish that the conversation over the repeal of equal pay in WI had half the media attention, and half the emotional fervor that the revisiting of SAHM vs WM did this week.


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UPDATE: wondering where the heck this is coming from, or why i have this little icon i haven't used in almost two months?? read the introductory post here, or click on this nifty little button that i created for us to use, so that you can get to the original post, where all the following posts will be cataloged.