being a pastor's wife: wk4

{the following is the post originally intended for last sunday... the fourth sunday/installment }

wow... is it really the fourth sunday in october already?? what a crazy month! its flying by! well, for the fourth peek... er... week... of my little mini-series on what it's like to be a pastor's wife, i've chosen to talk about privacy.

this may seem like a strange aspect to bring up... i mean, after all, we're all members of a community, right? we consider the church a family, and for many of us [i include myself here] the people i'm closest to are not necessarily flesh and blood relatives, but spiritual relatives.

so isn't intimacy the objective? why talk about privacy?

consider for a moment with me what a pastor's role is... he is leading people spiritually. often, when we [meaning any of us] lead others spiritually, we use our own experience as a guide or an illustration. this may mean sharing your story of coming to Christ while talking to another person about faith matters, etc. now, as a pastor's wife, much of your home becomes fodder for illustration, simply by virtue of being your husband's day-to-day. my husband [kind and loving that he is] always lets me know when i'm going to come up in a sermon... and something about the context. i appreciate the warning, though i know that not every pastor's wife gets this ahead of time :)

now consider what it's like to have a detail of your day-to-day explained to a congregation of people, and not by you. by virtue of being close to the pastor, the pastor's wife often becomes something of a spectacle to the congregation. and let's be honest, even if the pastor rarely alludes to her or his home in his sermons, she is someone other people see and note.

it's my observation that this often leads the people in the congregation to feel close to the pastor's wife, even though she may not have initiated any kind of close relationship. i tend to feel this way because whenever my husband shares a story about us that includes me in a sermon, people often will come up to me after church and comment on that detail.

here's an example:: my husband loves to share the following from when we were dating... but to understand the context, you should know that my husband was raised to be a southern gentleman. i was raised by a single mother in upstate new york... it's only natural that when he would be sweet and open my car door time and time again, i would feel the need to tease him... sometimes by opening his car door for him, or racing him to my door to open it first... very natural, right?

well, one of the times that we were racing, i got there first, but he had a little trouble slowing down quickly enough, and ended up body-checking me into the rearview mirror. it was hilarious. and he likes to use it as an illustration of forgetting the purpose behind the act [he was so determined to get my door for me that in the act of getting the door, he forgot that the purpose was to be a gentleman.]

one sunday, we were visiting a church plant, and he was preaching and used that illustration. after wards, a sweet older lady came up to me and told me that i should let him get my door for me, that gentlemen are hard to come by, and i should be thankful. she was nice in the way that she said it, but it was clear that she doesn't know me at all. for those who know me... i'm a new york italian girl with a lot of fight and zest... and i love that my husband is a gentleman, but growing up with a close brother, i have this crazy way of showing love by teasing... all of which my husband knows.... and even loves... about me.

this sweet lady knows none of this. in fact, she really doesn't know me at all. she really only knew that i was [apparently] discouraging my husband from being affectionate and gentlemanly to me. can you see how these snippets can be a bit misleading??

the point of sharing the above story [though it's a bit of an extreme example] is to show that sometimes, bits of pastors' wives lives are shared, and that can make any of us feel like we have a sense of who that woman is. in our generation, this also happens via facebook or other electronic means. i know many a pastor's wife who feels like she has to walk on eggshells on fb because what she says often gets misinterpreted. and unlike normal people, she can't only friend the people she's comfortable with, and want to let into her life.



so what does this mean for those of us normal people who sometimes cross paths with our pastors' wives, and sometime [i include myself here] can feel like we know who this woman is??

here are my suggestions... from having been on both sides of the fence.

--don't assume. this can be hard... but the fact of the matter is, we don't really know each other until we take the time to get to know one another. i may hear about what michelle obama is like, but until the day that she invites me over to have coffee and chat about our families, i don't really know her, [even though i'm facebook friends with her... literally].

--remember the social bounds & don't expect unreasonable things from her. think of your pastor's wife as you would any other woman in your church. have you been personally invited to her home? has she shared bits of her life with you herself? if the answer to these questions is no, then you're not her close friend. and as an acquaintance, be careful how you think of her... if you don't know her well, you don't know what motivates her and what passions and pursuits she has. we shouldn't make assumptions when we may not know the context. just remember this as you would with any other person, that's all :)

--give a little extra grace. remember week#2 on burdens? this woman may need a little extra privacy for herself and her family. or she may need a little extra grace. after all, her husband's job is to minister to a large group of people, and her job is to minister to him. try not to judge. try not to be overly curious. just let her be. if she wants to be friends, be friends. [i think this one is the hardest... for me too.]