plus, the last few days have been a bit crazy... and that is what's on my heart and mind so i think i'm just going to share it with you, ok? [like you really have a choice here.]
have you ever heard of the "well-ordered principle"? unless you decided to torture yourself with a little number theory, you wouldn't have heard of this before. i never did until new york state required that i get graduate credits in math to be a high school teacher. [and then i moved out of state--go figure.]
anyway, the WOP [seriously, that's how mathematicians refer to it] basically says that we can compare, or order, elements of a set, and once we're able to do this, we can figure lots of other things out. [i know, i know, waaaay too much math... don't worry, i barely get it.]
all this to say, the FOUNDATION of number theory (and, dare i say it... math) is the ability to compare.
can i share a secret with you? i compare myself to other people. a lot. i know, i know, i'm not supposed to do that... i'm supposed to compare me to me, and realize that we're all on different paths... blah blah blah.
here's the thing... comparison is not only the basis of mathematics, it's the basis of society. everything that is culturally defined is because we compare ourselves to others in our culture to determine whether this is ok or not. in my culture, the word "bloody" means "dripping with blood." we get the definition by comparing the word with the common usage in american english. we would get a different definition if we used a different culture... say, british english, for example.
i can't help but compare. it's not that i think i'm any less a person, or any more of a person... i just use the comparisons to check in... to get a quick read.
it's hard to not compare within a particular group... especially when you all finished high school around the same time... then all finished college around the same time... then got married within a few years of each other... and now... they're all having kids. some of them also have lovely homes. and we're still waiting to have kids, and in an apartment that resembles my first apartment a little too much.
it's hard. i know i sound like a whiner here. i don't know how to express this other than to say i feel like i'm being left behind.i know that having kids changes everything. no more dinner parties until 1a. even the conversations change... and it's not that i mind talking about kids [i actually LOVE kids... and i LOVE all of my friends' kids, and LOVE hearing about the awesome and crazy things they do] the difference is that i can't contribute to the conversation. i'm, quite literally, at a loss. the closest i can come to contributing is to offer a weak comparison to my little brother, who i've watched grow into his tween years.
it was so nice to be home, to be back east with the people i've known, and who know me. but it was really hard. many of them have everything i want out of life... and i'm still waiting.
it's really hard to watch a dream come and go. my dream was to have a family and be done having my kids by 30. and i'm starting to do the math, and wonder if i'll even get to start by 30. [and i know you all mean well, but please please please don't say "oh, you have time, it's ok..." no offense, but it's just not helpful.]
can i just tell you that i love my husband more than anything in this earthly life. i would follow him anywhere... to a crazy tribal life, if that's what we had to do. i mean it. i would trade gap and talbots for sheepskin and bone. he is the best earthly thing to happen to me, and i honestly cannot put into word how in awe of him i am. he makes my life so wonderful and full and all i want to do is spend every waking minute talking to him, and every sleeping minute next to him. i really think that God spoiled us by putting us together. i know that all marriages are work... but seriously, being married to him is like a dream job. i'm happy to work overtime, you know what i'm sayin'???
the irony is that it's his calling that has taken away my dream of being a young mom, and continuing this community of friends as they embark on this next stage of crazy sleepless nights and spit-up and cute little socks. and so he ends up being the shoulder i cry on when i get back to arizona, and i'm so heartbroken that i can't be in new york, and i don't know when we'll be able to have kids. poor guy. i wish i was stronger. i wish i could be content to say "oh well, that's just a different path..." instead, i'm sitting at my desk at work, with tears dripping down my face, and a runny nose, pouring my heart out into the keyboard.
so that's it. that's why there aren't any pastor's wife posts this week, or cute new projects since i've been back from new york. to be quite honest, i'm mourning the loss of a dream [yet again]. and it sucks.
I am so glad that you could be with us. I know how hard it is for you but I'm thankful that we all remain great friends no matter where in life we are. Some people loose touch when they aren't in the same stage of life but you have been a very patiently involved friend (your willing to talk about food allergies and reflux :) I so appreciate that about you! Love you friend!
ReplyDeleteOh you're making me cry! I'm sorry you feel alone and left behind. I will pray for you - first that you feel better about where you are right now. Second that God would make a way for you to have the desires of your heart.
ReplyDeleteI do wish I could do more for you...sending hugs your way.
P.S. You looked SO adorable when I saw you! :)
um... you know that i know what this is like.
ReplyDeletei feel ya', sister.
sending much love your way and believing that (for both of us), God has something in mind. it's right around the bend. promise, i'm praying for you!
thanks for the love, friends :)
ReplyDeleteA,
ReplyDeleteI am so there with you. Lately, my life has felt like on disappointment after another. I feel like I bought into the lie that I can have it all. I didn't realize until now that while you are doing X--the time to do Y is passing you by. I didn't originally want kids, but now I do. Time is running out for me, but I just can't do it right now.
~ on a positive note, this realization has brought me to a mindset that I want to live in a much more purposeful way and just flowing along the current of my life.
~M
m,
ReplyDeletei know exactly what you mean about time passing when you're focused on x, and then not being able to do y. i completely agree with the lie... and i hate to say it this way, but especially for those of us who are women. unless your husband is amazingly well-established when you meet him, and you have a very special set of circumstances, you really do have to choose between having a family and having a career. out of all the women i know, i only know 1 who does both (and does both well).
i know that a lot of people would argue with me... but i think that part of my particular definition of family includes having the option to have 2, 3, or 4 kids... not just 1, like many many women who work / support the family.
i wish i could give you a hug across the miles! good for you to want to be purposeful--i think that's half the desire to have children... to pass on the legacy of love and goodness from God. thankfully, that piece of it *is not* dependent on having little ones :) and i need to remember that more for this time that i'm waiting... that i can still be purposeful now, and not waste my time before i have y.
ann.