awhile ago, i shared with you about my struggles after coming back from the east coast.
i've been meaning to revisit that topic... mostly because i've had a few revelations since then...
the things is, since we've been married, there really hasn't been a great time to have kids. the first year was off limits on purpose. the second year, i was in grad school [and to be honest, had i gotten pregnant, the amount of stress i was under may have rendered the pregnancy unhealthy]. the thirds year, we moved here and were impoverished. also not a good situation to bring a baby into. and so here we are, in the fourth year, still waiting for the circumstances of life to align.
don't get me wrong... i've never been one of those "gotta have the suburban home and two SUVs before i have a kid" kinda girl... those who know me well know that i grew up without. i remember waiting in line with my mom for foodstamps early in my childhood... and to be honest, i feel like i'm a better person for it. i've never worried about the detriment i may cause my kid because we may not take them to disney world. i can live with those kinds of regrets.
what i can't live with is not having healthcare and having kids. what i can't live with is having to work two jobs to put food on the table because i selfishly wanted to have a kid that i ended up never having time with.
and so i continue to wait. [hopefully i'm waiting patiently.] it puts my type-A planner's heart at rest to know that i didn't pass up on a golden opportunity. i'm just still hoping that we get to a more settled place... where we have room for a baby... physically, financially, and in our schedules.
it's been particularly hard, because we really don't know what the next 6 months will bring... whether we will be moving across the county... whether i'll have a job... what kind of income we'll have... it's all up in the air.
i'm trying not to dwell on what i went through the last time we packed up and moved across the county in faith... but it's hard. instead, it's easier to focus on the fact that i have not yet passed up a good opportunity. i continue to be willing and ready to have kids... as soon as God makes that an option :)