this parenting thing kinda already sucks. and the kid isn't even here yet.
i am seriously struggling to put a baby registry together. i've been working on it for a month now (not joking, not exaggerating) and it's completely stressing me out.
and it's not because i'm sucked into the whole mommy industry telling me every little bit of equipment and gear i'll need ... because i'm actually feeling confident about some of the bigger choices we've made. (i.e. we're not going to go with a travel system because the strollers are too cumbersome for someone who is barely 5 ft tall, and i don't like that the car seat isn't even going to get me through the first year when we can get one that will go from 5 to 65lbs. we're also getting a small, compact swing in place of a bouncy seat and a larger swing because we don't have a lot of space and really both functions are accomplished with this one item. bam.)
being a teenager and having a 15 yr age gap with my baby brother not only gave me a front-row seat for all things baby, it also showed me that there's a lot i don't need, or that would just be overkill in our little compact life (like a full sized high chair). i have experience with big choices. i can handle those.
what is driving me to tweet tirades directed at babies r us and target is my lack of knowledge of the little things that make up the daily life of a newborn. bottles. diapers. nursing paraphernalia. all of these items are "try it out" or "learn from experience" stuff and that's completely stressing me out. i don't want to register for a cabinet's worth of medela bottles, only to find out a week into the kid's life that the nipples just don't work for him (even though they worked for lots of other kids). i don't like that i can't start stockpiling diapers now because every kid has a different leak/fit issue with a different brand, and i have no way of knowing that until we have 3 leaks in a row and suddenly it's just not worth using the rest of the box of diapers.
and even where there is information and data to be had, it's seriously lacking. for example ... car seats. did you know that babies r us carries 109 different convertible car seats?? they do. did you also know that consumer reports only tested 27 convertible car seats? they did. and did you lastly know that the consumer reports top-rated convertible car seat (which just so happens to be the "Safety First Onside Air") is no longer carried by babies r us. i think it's discontinued. steve and i got an online subscription to consumer reports expressly to help us pick out registry items. silly me, i thought they'd have the frantic mom market cornered. apparently not, because their tests aren't even up to date with the latest carseats available.
i know i sound certifiable right now, and that's ok, i'm just being honest. because this is me (albeit, the effect is enhanced by these damn hormones), and i know that this is how i am. i really like to be well-prepared for things. i don't like to start a task or project unless i'm fairly confident i can be successful at it. and my need to be prepared and confident of success is directly proportional to the importance of the task or project. so you can imagine how much more i feel this need for information and preparedness with a kid coming. and i bet you can imagine how much harder it is for me, knowing that we don't really have a nursery to start setting up (it's my office, and we're moving shortly after kid comes, whole other sob story for a whole other day). so it's really just chaos all around. chaos is not my favorite when the stakes are high.
all this is why i'm driven to tears over a stupid 3-pack of bottles on a baby registry. and it's further compounded by the fact that i'm not spending my own money on these items--i'm asking my friends to spend their hard-earned money on something that i can't be sure will even work for us. a lot of these friends have families on one income, and i know how precious $30 is for them--i'd hate for it to go to waste. this is completely different than a wedding registry, where you can still be frugal and practical, and register for items you know you need and will use, because you are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul, etc.
and i know, i know, this is only the beginning. i will never be prepared for anything in parenting, ever. i will constantly be trying to readjust and try a new thing or angle, and make it work again. i'm just writing today because i need to let it out. i need to express my frustration with this process of pseudo-preparing for a baby (because let's be honest, in order to really be prepared, i'd need to either own babies r us, or be married to the local general manager who could get me access to one of everything). i also feel the need to put this out there ... because "preparing for baby" is always portrayed as this skip-through-a-field, say "aawwwww!!" over the size of socks, fulfilling maternal experience. and i suppose there are lots of mothers who feel that way. but i don't. and i don't think i'm alone (even though i've already had others tell me that i'm wrong--it's only me who gets stressed any annoyed by this process ... but i know better than to believe them).
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i considered turning the comments off for this post. mainly because this is me, putting my neurosis out there. please be kind. please don't tell me to just calm down--that's not helpful. please only comment if you have something supportive to say or can commiserate. my little heart thanks you in advance.
so you know how i'm staying with my sis, bro-in-law, and the newbies? i can't tell you HOW MANY things they are returning, and babies r us and the like are SO GOOD about returns/exchanges, even for store credit if there's no receipt. there are tons of things that are trial and error... but things are super easy to swap out and hopefully you'll have a friend/relative nearby who can be your errand runner like cair has in me!
ReplyDeleteAs far as diapers go, I have never found a disposable diaper that didn't leak poop with a newborn. They just aren't snug enough to keep it all in when they explode poop! I've found that for urine leaking, it has more to do with the diaper being on correctly than the diaper brand. If the diaper is too big, there is a gap in the crotch and it just pours right out. I use the smallest diaper size possible for my babies. (you get more of the smaller sizes for your money, and then you don't have to worry about the crotch gap)
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of nursing paraphernalia are you looking for? Nursing bras? Good luck there. I only found a decent one when I went to California and spent over $50 for it. You can't really buy them in advance, because it is hard to say how big you'll get when your milk comes in. I am normally a B and then had to get an EE at the beginning (and that was a bit small) and then came down to a D for the rest of nursing. You can get a nursing sleep bra ahead of time, as they usually not by cup size. Lansinoh nursing pads don't leak and don't show through as much as other brands- who really wants to see a big circular pad on the front of their boobs? Lansinoh Lanolin is great and you can start putting it on before you have your baby. Soothies Gel Pads (Lansinoh is a good brand, but you can probably get off brands) are great as well. (Lansinoh is a great brand, can you tell?)
One last thing, remember that if you have it on your registry you should be able to take it back and exchange it. Go ahead and register for some bottles. Don't open them all and wash them. Try one first and then you can take them back and get a different brand if necessary. :)
all of these items are "try it out" or "learn from experience" stuff and that's completely stressing me out.
ReplyDeleteI think you nailed it with that one sentence. For me anyway, that's the toughest part of parenthood: the fact that I can't just read a book about it and know everything I need to know. I *hate* wading into situations where I don't feel fully prepared and the only way to learn is simply to get my hands dirty and live through it. My husband and I were both only children and were never around babies, and so your post sounds very familiar to me!
Anyway, I just had my fifth baby in six years, and the other day I was remembering back to how challenging it was in the beginning, for the very reasons you describe. The good news, though, is that this frustrating of feeling like you're behind an endless learning curve will pass, and things will get easier.
Just found your blog and I look forward to reading more. God bless!
oh man, if i could give this post a thesis statement, you nailed it! thanks for commiserating and telling me it will get better. that's how i'm holding on right now. :) well, that and watching downton abbey.
Deleteand thanks for stopping by! :)
I understand what it's like to stress about those little things. Remember, this is YOUR baby and as long as you are attentive and loving, no choice will be wrong for you or your little one. It might not be a perfect fit, but all of parenting is trial and error. No matter what you choose, you will be a great mother. That child will love you no matter how many different diapers or bottle you have to try.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxo i'm sorry this is stressing you! you are certainly not alone, i just think you're better at putting it all into words :) i wish i lived closer so i could shop with you...but i'm also not the type to tell you what to get just because it may have worked for one of my kids.
ReplyDeleteand yes, i was desperately in need of a step by step how to manual before Big N was born...actually, i still need one for him (poor first child!) but things will get easier, i promise. i'm here for you, anytime.
thanks, friend :) you hit the nail on the head ... i miss being up in ny, where i know i could buy someone like you a coffee and you would be willing to talk me through some of the detail options. and i know i could call you (or like 5 other people) if i needed to ... but it's just kinda another reminder of how much i miss being a part of that community, and having access to all that knowledge and experience. thanks for the love, even long-distance :)
DeleteUgh - I feel for you. Decision fatigue is a real problem. I know that sounds silly but it's true: http://articles.latimes.com/2009/mar/16/health/he-choices16
ReplyDeleteI guess the only upside here is that I'd rather have 1st world problems to deal with than 3rd world problems! (Not trying to be a smartass, just trying to give perspective.)
Is there any way you can limit your choices to reduce decision fatigue? Maybe even use another retailer that has a more limited selection?
Know that this too shall pass. You're going to be a great mom, regardless of the bottle you choose!
you're totally right, juice. and it's the darn hormones that make it so hard to keep perspective and remember that this is a great problem to have ... people who love us enough to give us gifts! i've made some peace with it, and even jsut writing this post helped to exercise the demons, so to speak :)
DeleteAs a fellow five footer and relatively new mom in a small apt, I was here too.
ReplyDeleteI spent months researching a lightweight stroller and found the amazing Britax B-Ready, which is a modular stroller but you don't have to get the car seat if you don't want to. At nine months she's just now gotten too heavy for me to lift in the seat. But, I am still able to do so. Just getting harder. We'll prob switch to the convertible too
Also, I personally did not like the Lansinoh nursing pads. They turn to jelly when wet and that is not a good feeling in your bra. At least not for me. I use the Nuk ones, and they haven't been noticeable. To each his own though, you'll find what works for you. The lanisol though is a MUST especially at the beginning.
We also got the compact swing but she didn't really like it past two months. The compact bouncer was so much more useful. Just keep it in the back of your mind.
Also, babies r us tend to be difficult in store when referred ing an online price, so do be wary. If I could help you at all let me know, I wish I could have received more help myself!
Totally forgot- Target has amazing nursing bras. Gillian and something. I didn't need to switch a size but theyve been really nice and only now starting to lok tired lol
ReplyDeleteHi A. Just read your post and while I am not "in a family way" myself, I can commiserate with you. Being a fellow Type A-er, I can completely understand the stress you're feeling by trying to narrow down the baby paraphernalia. All I wanted to say is that no, you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteYou don't sounds crazy at all. You are right about pretty much everything as well. I will say though, cloth diapers are a wonder at keeping leaks in but if that's not your thing so be it.
ReplyDeleteI have AWESOME news though...it gets a whole lot better and easier in terms of the "crap" needed department. Most of the crap offered you don't need and yes, the "trial and error" period super sucks but soon enough you don't even need any of it! ANY OF IT! NONE! My kid is barely 3 and she uses real dishes, real cups, prefers to help me cook than play with toys, uses real pens and pencils to draw with. So long bottle and swings. Ta ta crazy stroller decisions (um, yeah, we basically never used our WAY overpriced one because she hated them all. yay.). Sayonara food introduction and diaper rashes!
It goes by super fast. It is so easy to get way stressed though and I have totally, 100% been there, done that...but I promise, this stage goes away and it is a world of flippin' awesome after that! Ignore the worry about temper tantrums and that BS too - 3 is my favorite. Every stage is, actually, while you are in it, and then it gets better, and better, and better.
Good luck!