man, i so want to be one of those women who just lay it all out there and don't give a damn about what other people think or say. i *so* want to just hop onto this blog and tell you all about what the past month has been like for me, and why i'm pissed that stories like mine aren't a part of the typical narrative in the childbirth class.
but i don't. i even tried a few times ... starting posts and them deleting them before i got beyond a paragraph or two. because at the end of the day, i don't know you. and you don't know me. and that amount of exposure necessarily produces a certain amount of vulnerability. like walking around in public in your underwear.
and the funny thing is, it's not so much the people i don't know ... or the people i'm close to ... it's the people in between. you know, the people i've forgotten that i've told about this blog. or the random facebook friends who stumbled on this blog because stupid instagram linked it to my real life facebook page.
i write under a pseudonym because i want the little bit of privacy and control that it affords. but after awhile, that privacy morphs, and the control unravels just a little, and always when you're not looking.
so i wish i was one of those women who could be all bold and share words like "cervix" and "mucus plug" and not think "dear God, i'm talking all about my lady business to people who know my real name but aren't necessarily my friends." but alas, i am not. i am not as brave as i thought i was when i started this blog. i'm not as bold. i'm not as honest or as willing to put myself out there. because in the end, i'm a real person with real insecurities and challenges, that i'm not always willing to let other people in on.
who knows? maybe in a month or two, i'll feel completely different about what the past few weeks has been like, and i'll want to share ... mainly because it just caught me off guard, because i hadn't heard a similar experience before ... and i want to put it out there for the benefit of others ... and maybe i won't.
awww, shoot girl. i totally know where you're coming from.
ReplyDeleteback in the day where i was a lot younger and a lot more naive, everyone was my facebook friend. then (totally not what i had planned) my business took off. everybody "friended" me. i used to put a LOT about my life out there, to whomever. no big deal. didn't even think about it. but after dating someone for 2 years and it not working out (the details of which i believe you know but not many do...), i discovered that those "inbetweeners", many of them my clients, began to have strong opinions about my love life! HA. i even got critical commentary about my relationship with jason and "how quickly" we moved into something serious and marriage-minded. um, none of your business perhaps!?!?!
i did a lot of shifting. i'm still trying to find the balance. but i too wish i didn't think so much about sharing the bits that i do. bottom line for me... i've discovered i don't like people being voyeuristic about my life. 'cause it makes me feel so lonely. i love relationship and i'm an open book inside of relationship. but i'd rather not only be known from just one side of a computer screen.
thinking of you lots as you guys are waiting for the little one. hope all is well. hugs from across the country!
I totally understand. I also see it as, you may not be afraid to tell it like it is, but a lot of people say rude things while responding (sometimes without realizing it...sometimes not) and that's a hard pill to swallow, at least for me. So I'm there with ya!
ReplyDeleteI can relate as well. I initially started my blog anonymously. Then my dog got selected as a finalist for the Camp Unleashed contest (which was basically a popularity contest and I'm exhausted all over again just thinking about it) and I opened my blog up to Facebook to promote getting votes for the dog. Fortunately for me, a good friend discovered my blog that way, read the ENTIRE thing and then reminded me which posts I'd want to edit (a rant about a neighbor, etc.). So I think I dodged a bullet there. I'm back to semi-privacy, but like you I have no idea who among my acquaintances is reading. Weird.
ReplyDelete"Initially started" Redundant much?
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to the privacy issue. And I hope this finds you feeling okay with where you are with everyone healthy and strong.
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