where i was: a new orleans restaurant.

i'm in new orleans at a conference at the most incredible and lovely hotel i've ever been in ... the roosevelt (it's a waldorf astoria). it's the second time we've had this conference here, and i always love new orleans.

the sad part is that the conference has me so worn out, i'm probably not going to make it to cafe du monde in the french quarter, which is one of my favorite places in nola. c'est la vie. or rather, c'est la conference. or, c'est la work trip.

attached to the glorious roosevelt is a restaurant called domenica. i ate there when we had the conference last year, and so tonight, when i was trying to get up the nerve to not just call room service, i decided to eat there again. it's a really interesting place, decor-wise, so i thought i'd share a photo with you...

two neat features are the chainmail curtains and the light fixtures. the restaurant is organized with these large pillars that form a square in the middle of the floor, and against those pillars are heavy curtains made of chainmail. i actually brushed up against one with my bag, and it moved a little. i wonder how much they weigh.

the light fixtures are neat too. there are two types of chandelier, one with naked bulbs hung in a row, interspersed with lots of crystals, and a second where bulbs are surrounded by a mound of some kind of clear circular substance. it's almost as if someone grabbed a whole bunch of those plastic six-pack holders and bunched them together around the light. (in reality, whatever they're made out of has a bit more mass than a plastic six-pack ring thingy, but it's the best explanation i have.)

also, i had the tortellini, and it was wonderful. as was the apple spice cake :)

has pinterest jumped the shark?

since i joined pinterest back in may, it's grown to be a well-known tool of social media. in may, it was mostly just used and known within the blogging community ... but recently, more and more people are jumping on.

maybe it's just me. maybe i'm getting to be one of those people who can't deal with change on the internet. this is a definite possibility... but can i be super negative for a minute and just be honest? i don't like pinterest as much any more. when i first got on, the vast majority of pins were DIY, home decor, and design. recipes would pop up here and there. it reflected the interests of the corner of the blogosphere that many of us call home.

back in those early days (way back in may of 2011), you could opt in and out of the categories that would show up in your "everything" feed. so because i'm already married and not really interested in wedding colors or gowns, i could un-check the wedding box and still get a mix of other categories. and that was back when there were only like 8 categories. now there are like 35.and if i want to narrow the field, i can only narrow to one category. that's no fun.

then there are the weird trends that happen on pinterest, clogging up the feed ... like the "pin a half-naked famous person" trend. i mean, i thought that pinterest was supposed to be a virtual pin-board ... you know, like for aesthetic inspiration. now granted, the human body is incredibly lovely in and of itself, but that's not really why people were pinning the naked adam levine pin with the woman's hands covering his junk. [they're looking for a different kind  of inspiration. if-you-know-what-i-mean.]

or how about the "talk down to yourself about your body and call it fitness motivation trend"?? because as a 5 month pregnant woman, that's exactly what i want to pop up in my feed ... an image of a 21 yr old in only a bra and panties telling me how much i don't need carbs.

and then came what i like to call the "bucket list" trend. this one didn't bother me as much because initially, it made sense to me. it said things like "see the eiffle tower in person." and had a gorgeous photo of the tower behind it. that i get. but when they start saying stupid things (particularly things that are mundane or mainly out of our control) that's when i kinda arch my eyebrow a bit when they pop up in my feed.

[source.]

i mean, really?? like if the man you're in love with wants to propose on april 3rd, you're going to tell him he's got to wait until valentine's day?? [i warned you i was going to be super negative here.]

[source.]

seriously?? you had to pin this?? can't you just put it on your shopping list??

i know that a lot of my old-lady tendencies here are due to the fact that younger people are getting on pinterest and pinning things that i just don't understand, because, whoah, i'm suddenly an old married woman with a kid on the way, writing an angst-filled blog post on a saturday night when i wish i could be sleeping. [dear God, i sound pathetic. maybe if i bought a 96 color eyeshadow palette.... nah.]

and this is is why i never really got into tumblr. because i just couldn't understand why you would want social media in that form. [except, of course, for hilarious memes like handmade ryan gosling. that this old woman understands.]

beyond the annoyance of prom dresses and youthful naivete, there's also the pins that i categorize as offensive ... and sometimes needlessly vocal. submitted for your comment, here are a few that i grabbed to demonstrate...

[no source as i refuse to give this person clicks.]

and the caption read "did someone order chinese?" now, i'm not about online censorship, but i shouldn't have to see $h!+ like this in my feed. it's offensive, inappropriate, rude ... and on soooo many levels. to asians. to children. i could go on and on.

[no source as i refuse to give this person clicks.]

all i can think is ... wtf??? oh, i'm sorry, i forgot that you're a clinical psychologist with a specialty in eating disorders. and you spread awareness through .... pinterest??

[no source as i refuse to give this person clicks.]

everyone is entitled to their opinion and political stance in the US ... that's the beauty of free speech and the bill of rights. but a) seriously? pinterest is your forum for making this statement?? and b) i should be able to avoid overly vocal political (and religious) garbage in my feed. or at least block users who post this stuff ... or something.

i had a few more, but i think you get the gist of what i'm saying here. am i alone?? do other people see these things on pinterest and get pissed off too??

i have to be honest, the usability of pinterest is really suffering because of its mass appeal. these days, i only go on when i know what i'm looking for ... because then i can search for it, or narrow the feed (i.e. if i'm looking for nursery decor inspiration, i can narrow to "kids" or search "nursery"). and if i'm looking for inspiration around the home, i narrow to DIY/crafts. but the problem there for me, is that then i miss out on the following categories: architecture, art, design, home decor, gardening, and outdoors. and i want to see all of those feeds ... at once.

people like me really cause a big problem for pinterest, because gone are the days of me getting lost in their site for hours. it's too annoying to sift past the pins i don't want to see to get to the stuff i do ... and to check out all the categories that i'm interested in. i really miss being able to opt in and out of all the categories at once, and personalize my feed.

does anyone else feel the same way?? am i just being an old curmudgeon who doesn't like change, or the young folk comin in and messing everything up??

on family, gender roles, work/family choices, and a mess of other things.

with a kid on the way, and a type-a personality, i've been thinking a lot lately about what the details (both small and great) of our life will look like in just a few short months when we go from being a married couple to a family of three.

and since we got pregnant, i keep bumping into some complex issues that my mind is struggling to untangle.

it started when i shared with a group of women that i would be keeping my job and had to figure out how i was going to balance a newborn and working from home. and those women in the group who had kids told me that they didn't want to sound judgmental (always good when that's part of a conversation), and that they supported my decision no matter what (less reassuring when immediately after a disclaimer on judgmental-ness), but that it's really better to be a stay at home mom. hmmm...

and then this fall, i got hooked on the new show "up all night." and it was really neat to see a character that was very masculine taking care of a baby. and doing it well. that the joke wasn't how bad men are with kids, or how an effeminate man can become a nanny-husband. nope. just a normal professional (gender unimportant) who decided that staying home was more important than his/her career. huh.

[source.]

and then i started talking with steve about the baby, and things pertaining to the baby. and i realized that while my husband embodies the modern man who is super masculine but also knows his way around a kitchen and isn't too proud to scrub a toilet or fold a sheet ... this man had gaps in his knowledge of babies. huh.

and over christmas, i was in new york, eating breakfast with a friend who had also recently relocated. we shared stories about finding a new church, and she shared that her biggest struggle with her new church was their stance on complementarianism. hmmm...

and then i read that APA journal article about how among the three groups (stay at home, part time employed, and full time employed), part time working mothers are happiest, show the greatest sensitivity to their children, are able to offer more educational opportunities to their children, and are better able to balance work / family. interesting...

and then i read an article in bloomberg businessweek about the gender role reversal happening in the business world ... how many high powered CEOs can't do it without a spouse who is willing to abandon their own careers to care for family and home. and how in the past few years, we've seen the rise of the female CEO, and the stay at home husband/dad who she couldn't do it without. huh.

[source.]

and last week, john of young house love shared how he sometimes feels like being a working-at-home-dad is somehow inferior to being a work-outside-the-home-dad. really?...

it's seemed like everywhere i turned, there's another interesting view or example of this larger, but related, issue of family and gender roles and work/family choices. and a little bell would go off in my brain, and i'd set that tidbit aside, along with the others that seemed, somehow, to relate to how gender roles and family were taking shape and shifting in this current economy and culture. and with many of these situations, there's an emotive response ... whether it's a guilt that's felt, or a societal pressure, or an impassioned comment on the post, there is a lot of emotion wrapped up in family choices and gender roles. even when i've tried to step away from the emotion and just look at the data (i.e. looking at the APA article), someone always feels the need to personalize it and justify why they've made their decision, as if somehow the data is calling them a bad parent. or a bad example of their gender.

i'm just going to level with you guys, because if you're here, then you probably read on a regular basis and i think we've established a good enough relationship for me to just lay it out there...

...i think these are really important issues. in fact, i think they are issues that are shaping our generation. i think there are cultural shifts that no other generation has experienced. i think the economy plays a huge role. and i think that our own expectations and biases also play into all of this.

...and i want to explore these issues. screw that. i need to explore these issues. they've been gnawing at me pretty much since we first saw those two pink lines. and because writing and discussing has always helped me to process, i'm going to start talking about this. for me. for my family.

...and i'm not here to make judgment calls on what your family has decided, or what your beliefs are. i may express my opinion, but at the end of the day, unless i know you in real life, i have no idea what your circumstances are or why you chose them. (and let's get real--even if i do know you in real life, i probably don't know the whole story unless you've shared it with me).

so that's it. buckle in, because you're going to get to know me in a new and crazy way. and i apologize in advance.


---------------------------------------------------------------

UPDATED: so because this is going to be a series of posts as i wander down this rabbit hole of thought ... i decided that this initial post should be the landing place, and the place from which you can access all other posts relevant to this thought journey. below are links to the follow up posts that mark this journey...

gender roles, family, & work: where i'm coming from.

gender roles, family, & work: we still forget about the men.

two years.

i'm coming up on my two year anniversary of starting my job. and while i was on the plane to connecticut a couple of weeks ago, i remembered what my first work trip was like. i was really nervous. i had to speak in front of a large room full of state government officials and phds from universities. i had to speak about a program i'd only had 3 weeks to get to know, and i was (quite obviously) the youngest person in the room. by a lot.

i had taken this job because a) i needed a real job so so so badly, b) the people who hired me really seemed to think i was the right person for the job, and c) even though it was a serious leap of faith into a realm of education i hadn't even known existed, i knew it was what God had asked me to do.

and so here i am, two years later. and the meeting in ct only confirmed to me how far i've come. i actually know a decent portion of people who work in various state departments of education. and i know how money flows in education (from the federal government, to the states, to the districts; how private foundations play a role, etc). and i know what a vital role congress plays in this whole process, and am acutely aware of how little they know about what constitutes good educational practices.

two years hasn't changed the fact that i'm still usually the youngest person in the room. and it's often by more than 10 or 15 years. but instead of feeling intimidated by the fact that many of the people in the room could look at me and say "you're younger than my daughter!" i actually look at it as a point of pride. in the worst economy since the depression, i'm one of the lucky ones in my generation who isn't letting the older generation continue to box them out. i may be in my late 20s, but it doesn't mean i don't get to have a great career. and i may still be in my late 20s (two years later), but it doesn't mean i can't learn quick and catch up with all the old people.

and on that trip, i had one of those out of body experiences, where i could see myself, talking at a table with the connecticut people, and i realized that hey! that's me talking. that's me that knows what she's talking about and has spent the past two years managing this program!

it was the refreshing i needed. because at the end of the day, i have a pretty cool job. i have a pretty cool opportunity to do some really neat work with some really influential people. and it's completely because God dropped this job in my lap, not because i was looking to climb the corporate ladder. it's a job that plays to strengths i didn't know i had. and it's a job that allows me to pay our bills, pay down our student loan debt, and still eat out every once in awhile. i have a fantastic boss who treats me like an actual human being, and sincerely wants me to be happy in my position.

i just feel incredibly grateful. grateful for the job that i have, for the experiences i've had in it, and for how much i've grown in the past two years. this job makes me feel like a legit adult. and i really love that.

the emotional rollercoaster.

there are some things i really pride myself on. one of them is being self-aware of my emotions, and communicating them clearly to others. maybe it's because i look back on a childhood that was full of emotions that only now, as an adult, can i understand and label. maybe it's a reaction to having been close to other women who wouldn't question their emotions, but in stead ride them like a tempest, never thinking to communicate that the storm might, just in fact, be more due to hormones than circumstances.

and i know that this is something steve loves about me. even on days when everything seems to go inexplicably wrong, and i'm flipping out, he knows that i'll step outside of myself and recognize that, no, life is not spinning out of control. it only feels that way. and if i can let go of those feelings for just a minute, and let them subside, like a tide slowly receding, i'll be left on the high ground. safe. strong.

i remember struggling at my first real job, when i worked in ministry--a ministry that i didn't feel equipped for, or called to, but was serving in because that was what the church needed, and i was willing to help. i remember on a particularly emotional day, talking to my boss about feeling inadequate and that i wasn't their long term solution. and i remember crying, but telling him, "listen, it's ok, i'm going to cry, i don't mean to be emotional. just pretend i'm not crying."

in a world where pity for female emotional delicacy can be abused, i want to be able to have my cake and eat it too. i don't want to have to stifle my feelings, but i also don't want the overflow to flood other people or bully them.

and being pregnant has made this an even bigger challenge. in fact, i'm writing this post right now because i'm technically "at work" but i took a mental break to read a blog, and it was about someone separating from their husband, and all of a sudden, i was there, in that quiet, sombre place, with her. that place where everything that's shouting for your attention slows down and fades away. where there's only sadness and quiet. and the only sound you hear is the sound of your own shallow breathing.

and a lump rises in my throat for this stranger. a stranger whose blog i've only read three times, and who i probably wouldn't recognize on the street. but a stranger whose pain is so evident that my hormone-soaked heart can't help itself but bleed a little with compassion.

and i try to shake myself. i try to hear the shouting demands of the email, and the calendar, and the to-do list. i open a new browser tab and pour out my over-abundance of emotion into a blog post, because this is not my life i'm mourning. and while i'm glad i still feel for other people, i can't allow it to become debilitating for me, as if it's happening to me.

but it's too late. the cloud is overhead. and i have a feeling that the rest of my day today is going to have a slowness, a tone of sobriety. i'm finding it harder to manage my emotions when they're being amplified by hormones. it's easy to identify that the emotions are stronger because of the hormones, but it's so much harder to step back from the feeling, and regain that control.

so i've been trying to give myself some space to be a little more emotional, to allow the tide to rise, because i know that eventually it will recede again, even if it's not as easy to push back out.

um, you guys...

...so i totally had a post syndicated on blogher!! it's pretty exciting for me :)

you probably already read the post when i first wrote it ... but if you didn't (or even if you did and just love me *that much*) you can pop on over!!  :)

string lanterns preview.

once upon a time, long, long  ago, in a land far, far away (aka tucson), i pinned a tutorial for making string lanterns to pinterest.

it's a fairly popular pin, so i'm sure you've seen it before. and if you've been a long-time reader of this here blog, you'll also remember that i saw those gorgeous string lanterns in the lobby of that swanky hotel i went to for a conference last spring. [here's a photo in case you're not, in fact, a long-time reader, or in case you just forgot because i'm delusional about what people remember from this blog.]

[by the way, i just went back and read that post and laughed at myself. i'm glad at least someone gets my humor. even if it's just me.]

i actually made the string pseudo-spheres (i can't bring myself to call them spheres, since the balloons weren't perfectly round) back in august and september. i did two batches because while the first came out pretty decent, i decided that i wanted a bunch of them, and one would be lit. the one with the bulb should be extra basket weavey, so that it wasn't just like a naked bulb with three strings around it.

here are a few shots of the process.

as instructed in the tutorial, i made circles for the bulb and to be able to reach in to change it. i also slathered the balloons with vaseline. this made them super slippery and having an extra set of hands was a definite must.

the above photo is not a great one, but it illustrates a good point about this project. so essentially you get the yarn all full of this goop and wrap the balloons, the challenge is having the right amount of goop on your yarn. if the yarn is too dry, it won't harden strong and in the form. with too much goop, you end up with all these little imperfections all over your lantern, that you have to then go back and get rid of. (this is part of the reason i did two batches ... so i could learn from the first and improve on the second.)

once you pop the balloon and take it out, this is how the yarn looks. i found that the best way to tame these little frizzies is to dampen my hand, and reach into the lantern, smoothing the frizz down from the inside. (when i tried to do it from the outside, some of the weaker parts of the string became bendy, even with just the little bit of moisture on my hands. i didn't want them to collapse, so smoothing them from the inside, i could touch them and push on them, and they tended to better keep their shape.

and this is how i did the second batch ... i hung a clothesline over a corner of our backyard, and hung the inflated balloons on it. then i wrapped them as they hung. (again, why you need a second person to help.) this shot is from the morning after, when the cool overnight air had popped the balloons for me. (i had made the first batch indoors, and there were lots of little flakes all over my kitchen. outside is definitely the best place to do this.)

i wanted to share this quick preview of the finished project. but because this falls into the category of "projects i began before i got pregnant and still have to finish," the lanterns are still scattered around my apartment, waiting to be hung as a light fixture. planning to do that soon!! (remember my non-nesting clean-up goals??

my assessment of the tutorial is that it's fantastic and easy to follow. when i first saw these pop up on the blogosphere, i heard of people trying to make them and utterly failing (using other recipes for the goop, or an exercise ball to make a huge lantern, etc). that was totally not my experience.

i also found that the tutorial tells you to spray paint them white and then clear. **looks over each shoulder** i only did that with the first few. and it didn't seem to make a difference. maybe it's because i was using white cotton yarn, so it's super bright white already? maybe that's to keep the glue from yellowing in the long run? maybe it's to make them more outdoor friendly? i'm not sure what horrible event i'm inviting into the lives of my string lanterns by not spray painting them, but i went ahead and took that chance. (plus, that whole pregnant thing, i figured shortening the life of my lantern was ok in the grand scheme of things.)

one thing you NEED to know before leaving this preview is that this is a SUPER DUPER messy project. outdoors is best. and don't wear your favorite black yoga pants, because you will get the goop on them, and then you'll have this little light spot on them forever and you'll hate yourself for it. trust me. and yes, i do have a favorite pair of yoga pants. this is what happens when you work from home.

you can find the actual tutorial via the pin.

traveling in the 1st trimester: a recap & lessons learned.

i travel quite a bit for work. it averages out to be around once a month. and when i found out i was pregnant, i already had the next three trips on the calendar. i'm sure i'm not the first working woman to encounter this challenge--because the hard thing is that traveling in the first trimester is pretty awful, but it's also the time when most of us (myself included) are still keeping the pregnancy a secret. so it's hard to find a delicate way to either avoid travel or get someone else to do it, if traveling for work is part of your regular duties and responsibilities.

so now that i'm past the first trimester, i thought i'd give a quick recap / lessons learned for those who may need it at some point:

snacks. and water.
if your pregnancy is at all like mine, you know the importance of snacks and water. i literally had to eat something every 1.5 hours or i would end up doubled over, dry heaving. i couldn't do what other women do, and eat a large meal and go for a longer time (like 2 or 3 hours). this presented a huge problem while traveling because if you travel a lot, you know that meals happen when they happen. and they often consist of whatever you can find (airports and conferences don't always have good options). so if you really need protein, or something bland because you have serious food aversion (like me), this can be incredibly frustrating. add in the fact that if you're flying to your destination, then you can't bring liquids or gels or anything cold, and it gets frustrating even faster. (yogurt? fruit cup? cottage cheese? all things i lived off of in my first trimester. also all things you can't take on a plane.)

so my solution was to pack copious amounts of the snacks i *could* have, and wanted. honestly? for me this was chewy granola bars, dry roasted peanuts, fruit leather, fruit snacks, and brown sugar pop tarts. these are not your picture of a well-balanced diet. however, they're what kept me putting calories in my body while i was away from my kitchen and a refrigerator. the last thing to have is a good water bottle that you can refill. i found that if i was getting dangerously close to the nauseous/dry heave zone, and either my snacks weren't working or they had run out, sipping water helped me to keep my stomach from lurching until i could access some serious protein to calm things the heck down.

peeing frequently. 
this is enough to drive a person mad. over thanksgiving, steve and i drove to upstate new york, and in the 6.5 hour car ride, we decided to have a competition between me and adele. at the time, adele's "someone like you" was on the verge of being played out, and so we decided to count the number of times i had to stop to go to the bathroom, and also count the number of times we heard "someone like you" on the radio, and see which one won out. in the end, it was 6 - 5, with us hearing adele's song once more than the number of times i had to pee.

the hardest part of this for me is that it's really unpredictable, and it's not something you can ignore. i tried to do what mothers of recently potty-trained kids do ... go to the bathroom whenever there was a bathroom to be had. so when i was at a conference? i was in the ladies room during every single break between sessions, whether i had to go or not. and on an airplane? as soon as that bathroom was available, i was in it, sometimes even if the "fasten seatbelt" sign had just gone on.


vomiting. 
so here's the bad news ... even though i did what i could, and ate frequently, etc. etc, i threw up. on. every. single. trip. maybe this was just me and my special set of gag triggers.

for example, and this is soooo TMI, but i'm just going to put it out there ... whenever i was going to the bathroom, and not just urinating, i would get unbelievably nauseous. almost every time i had a bowel movement--which wasn't that often if you know what i mean--i would end up with a *serious* case of nausea. most of the time i ended up just throwing up. and that was a normal, every day thing. add in traveling, and being trapped in an airport bathroom stall because i had a laptop case, a coat, and a roller bag, and i couldn't get away from the toilet itself very quickly. it was pretty awful. especially once this trigger translated to public bathrooms in general (not just the idea of a bowel movement, but also the strong scents, whether dirty or clean, both affected me), traveling became a bit of a vomiting nightmare.

the two things that got me through this were knowing it was probably going to happen, and finding ways to calm myself back down more quickly. when i knew that i had to use the bathroom on the plane, and i got in there and saw that they had airsickness bags, i breathed a silent thank you prayer to God. because those bathrooms are tiny. and i hate to tell you this, but i definitely ended up throwing up into one of those bags while sitting on the throne. (so glad i'm telling you all this, so i can *completely* lose any dignity i formerly had). and i *never* got sick on a plane before i was pregnant ... but once i was, i would always check that seat-back pocket for an airsickness bag as soon as i sat down because i knew that when we were ascending or descending, a run to the restroom wasn't possible.

the other tool i used to manage my nausea and vomiting while traveling was to use whatever was around me to calm my body back down. the one really great thing about public restrooms is that they're full of cool surfaces. there have been quite a few times i've closed my eyes and laid my hands against the tile of a bathroom wall to focus on how cool the wall was, while breathing deeply and moving my mind away from the nausea. and then there was the time i threw up into the paper-towel trash hole in the counter in the rest-stop along i-95. after lurching three or four times, i just closed my eyes and rested my forehead on the cool formica, again focusing on my breathing and taking my mind to another place. the idea of touching surfaces in a bathroom (even ones not near the toilet) may totally skeeve you out. and i completely get that. but for me, they had magical powers. i also used my supersonic nose to my advantage by holding my soapy hands in front of my nose. smelling a good soap scent could quickly put the nausea out of my mind and even just make me feel less icky over all. having that water bottle helped here too, partially to calm things down, and also to make me feel less nasty in my mouth and throat.

tsa--know your rights. 
before we got pregnant we had been off birth control for awhile so i knew that going through those higher-radiation scanners was not something i was down with. especially when they're the most harmful in the very early stages of pregnancy, when i may not even know that i'm pregnant. so once we went off birth control, i began to opt out and request a pat-down. every time i flew. i know the routine so well i could probably work for the TSA if i wanted.

and i don't know what the deal is, but the TSA officer's reaction to my opting out is completely different in certain airports. sometimes the reaction is "sure. just stand over here and i'll get you a female officer." other times, i get a steely stare or challenged, "but it's just a metal detector." and i stand my ground. not because i want to be one of those parents driven by fear, but because i fly pretty often. don't assume that the TSA is going to be helpful (even though they often are). i once saw a woman who was unfamiliar with flying point to a metal detector and a scanner and ask "do i have any other options?" and the TSA officer had her stand aside for 5 minutes, and then instead of giving her a pat down (which is what her other option is) had her go through the metal detector anyway. so not so much another option as a redirect. i don't say this to make us all afraid of a metal detector, but to point out that the TSA's job does not involve customer service. it's good to know your options.

lastly, leave extra time. whether it's because the TSA agent wants to "teach you a lesson," or your bag gets randomly selected to be searched, this process can take a little while longer when you're avoiding the scans.

exhaustion: give yourself extra time to rest.
i had to learn this one the hard way. the first few trips i had when i was pregnant, i did stupid things like fly in and out on the same day. or drive an hour and half each way, every day for three days (instead of just getting a hotel there). the thing is, if you're like me, you won't have much extra energy in the first trimester. (i used to say that if i hadn't known i was pregnant, i would have thought i had mono. or depression. or both.) so the "super-woman, take-on-the-world" attitude that i usually approach my job with had to be adjusted just a wee bit.

this may mean looking at a conference schedule and allowing yourself some breathing room if you need to. i've skipped the sponsored lunches at those things, or if there wasn't a talk that directly pertained to me, i didn't just go to a random session like i normally would ... i went back to my room and closed my eyes for a bit. i learned to prioritize and remind myself why i'm there--to represent my program and network. if i'm too tired to talk to someone at a reception, it's probably a better use of time for me to relax.

resting was probably one of the most important things i had to do on trips, and i didn't always do it well. this was evidenced by the fact that much of my throwing up in airports, rest stops, and planes happened on return trips. this was usually because i'd worn myself out so much that my nausea was much harder to manage, and the usual tricks weren't as effective.

indulge. but not too much.
when i had to stay in hotels during my first trimester, i ordered room service more frequently. usually it's pretty much the same menu as the hotel restaurant, and under normal circumstances, i'd rather feel like i'm being social, even if i'm at a table for one. but in those first few months, it was wonderful to go back to my room at the end of the day, put on my cozy pants and mindless television, and have my food come straight to me. the difference in cost is usually something like a $2 delivery charge, and most hotels automatically add an 18% tip (but i usually tip 18 - 20% anyway so it's not really much more expensive than dining in the restaurant).  it was totally worth the extra couple of bucks and often allowed me to go to bed early. (see above re:rest.) a note to people who don't often order room service: it's totally acceptable to put your dirty dishes in the hall as soon as you're done eating. (it's not fun to wake up and smell your previous night's dinner.)

i also gave myself a little more freedom to buy food in airports. if i had a morning flight, i'd eat breakfast at home, but i'd eat a second breakfast before i boarded the plane. this helped me to make sure i wasn't constantly pushing my body (and my nausea) to its limits. again, it can be a little more expensive, but it was totally worth it to me. on road trips, i got starbuck's chai lattes. the little bit of sugar and caffeine helped to keep my stomach calmer, and just made me generally happier while traveling. if you're a hard-core budgeter, just do yourself a favor and add these things in. it's totally worth it to not feel guilty, because you're doing your body and your growing kid a huge favor by keeping things calm.

but be careful as you indulge because there are still better options, and your body (especially when tired and out of the normal schedule) wants good things more than ever. i learned this the hard way when i treated myself to a chipwhich in an airport on a return flight. suffice it to say i saw that bad boy again and throwing it up on an airplane totally negated the enjoyment of eating it in the first place.


anyone else have to travel early in their pregnancy and have any tips?

this is not nesting.

i don't know why, but whenever i start to show one of the weird personality traits that come with pregnancy (mind loss, nesting), i argue tooth and nail with steve that, NO! i do NOT have pregnancy brain. i'm just suddenly tired and easily forgetful. (nevermind that those traits are 100% the opposite of my usual behavior.)

so this post is 100% NOT about nesting. i am not nesting. i am not a bird. i am the captain of my soul and i don't do weird things just because i have extra hormones. no. however, i do rationally recognize that this has been the sequence of events over the past 5 - 6 months:

• we moved to baltimore in late july
• i traveled a lot for work in early aug
• i began unpacking in late aug, and took my time.
• i found out i was pregnant in late sept (the house was only unpacked in the "we use this on a weekly basis so it's no longer in a box" sense).
• i began my imitation of rip van winkle and suddenly didn't care how many piles of laundry there were in our house, or where. or how many dishes were in the sink (as long as i couldn't smell them).
• i awoke from my long rest to december and the holidays (which kinda didn't happen, and then did).

so that brings us up to date. we've been living in a house for almost 6 months (and will likely--hopefully--only live here for 6 more months before moving to greener pastures), and all unpacking and settling in had been on hold since early september. oh yeah, and our family is about to grow by 50% in a few months.

whoops.

so this past weekend, when we had friends coming over, i pulled out the broom and swiffer wet jet and attacked the livingroom and kitchen. is it just me, or is cleaning so much more satisfying when it's long overdue? and because i no longer require a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, i started looking around the house and seeing it for what it really has become: a disaster.

here's evidence:

do you like how our bookshelves have become a catch-all, or a junk-drawer of sorts? i have a few string lanterns on the top, stacks of books and notebooks throughout, a bunch of random crafting stuff, and curtains all represented in that bookshelf.

and that smaller former tv stand isn't much better with its pile of mail and magazines. what is worst about the above photo is not that my home isn't catalog worthy, but that when we have a newborn in a few months, and i also want to move, all that random crap on those bookshelves will end up in the same box. and that is enough to send me to the mental institution. i wish i *was* kidding.

so i'm going to be getting back to my roots. or rather, this blog's roots. i'm going to start getting my home back together. not because i'm nesting, but because i have this small window of opportunity where i have energy, and i want to capitalize on that, for my own mental health, and for the sake of my husband, (who's probably going to be the one doing the lion's share of the packing. let's be honest here).

my goals:

• the plan is not to unpack more things, but to better organize the things that are already unpacked.
• if things that are already unpacked can be re-packed, then by all means.
• finish up some small decor projects that were begun forever ago so that a) they don't get harmed in the move, and b) i can clean up all the clutter they're creating.

pretty simple, right? we'll see how it goes. i'm going to go take a nap ... just talking about reorganizing has me tired :)

where i was: above the clouds.

the other day, i took a day-trip to connecticut for work. i had to get up for an early-morning flight, and it was dreary and wet out. it was cold here in baltimore, and even colder there in hartford. the weather report was threatening a wintery mix, and i was a little worried my morning flight would be delayed.

this was the weather on the ground.

layers of grey and brown and misery.

we all buckled in for the flight and turned off our electronic devices for take off. maybe it's just me, or the peacefulness of an early morning flight, but i love those few moments when every personal electronic device is turned off. i become very introspective. i find myself stepping back from my usual life of emails and busyness and distraction, and thinking about my life in general. i take stock of where i've been and where i'm heading. and i find peace in those few moments of rumbling down the pavement and feeling the loss of friction as we glide smoothly into the air.

i was reminded that it was almost two years ago that all this travel began, and what a difference two years can make ... professionally, personally.

and i was surprised at how the view outside my window seemed to match the thoughts in my head. the plane pulled higher and higher, breaking through the thick misery at the ground and revealing this...

i could feel the heat of the sun through the window and it was glorious. i pulled out my journal and decided to get down on paper all the thoughts swirling in my head about the journey of the past two years ... the tensions that had been created in my life and what i'd learned from living life between two tensions. 

why i plan to go back to work in the middle of my maternity leave.

[source.]

in our family, i’m the bread-winner. my husband is a grad student, and so even if i wanted to stay home, his stipend isn’t really enough for a family of three with student loan debt to live off. and at work, i mostly run a one man (er, woman) operation. so when i found out i was pregnant, and due in early june, i knew things were going to be hairy. you see, the summer is my busiest time of year at work. it’s when i pull 60 to 80 hour weeks and when about 70% of the year’s work gets done. it’s also when i do about half of my travel for the year. a lot of high-level decision-making happens, and it sets up my program for the rest of the year.

today i'm over at liberating working mothers, talking about my contingency plans for my maternity leave. join me there and join the conversation :)

this whole working moms are happier thing.

yesterday, one of my favorite bloggers wrote a post for babble, basically kicking anderson cooper in the teeth for reopening a debate it seems that women have worked tirelessly to get beyond ... who works harder? working mothers or stay at home mothers?

and dr drew (who i usually have a lot of love for) also had a show that also addressed the question of stay at home vs working mothering.

[source.]

can i just back up a second and point out that both shows are tackling this topic because a research study recently came out that was published by the American Psychological Association and whose press release is titled (to the surprise of many) that "Working Moms Feel Better than Stay-at-Home Moms, Study Finds."

ok, so because i work in academia, i know that in these scenarios, we have

1. the actual study itself, which is written by the researchers; 
2. the abstract or summary of the study, also written by researchers; 
3. a press release, probably written by a PR person who may or may not fully understand the study and only read the abstract, but wants to get it some attention; 
4. the articles written about the study by journalists, who may or may not have even read the abstract, let alone the study, and are also interested in getting attention; and 
5. the news network people who only read the article the journalist wrote and are by now three degrees of separation away from the actual study itself (anderson cooper and dr drew, this is where you come in).

so because i'm a geek and get annoyed when drama is needlessly stirred up, i went back to the study that spawned the sensationalization. and i read it. because honestly? i think that the issues of staying at home and working are important ones that i'd love to know more about. and not just from an emotional viewpoint ... from a research-based one.

a few pieces i thought were worth noting that didn't make the talk shows:

• the actual title of the study is "Mothers’ Part-Time Employment: Associations With Mother and Family Well-Being." 
• the study was seeking to look at not just working moms and stay at home moms, but the part-time working moms (which are often neglected in this type of research). a central question of the study was whether part time working mothers were a distinct group, or whether the data  indicated that they were more like the stay at home moms, or more like the working moms.
• part time work was defined as working from 1 to 32 hours per week. (so if you personally have an etsy shop or blog from which you get income, but spend less than 33 hours on it per week and are mostly a SAHM, this study would have considered you a part-time working mom. if you are a SAHM, but watch other people's kids for a few hours a week for pay? you also count as a part-time working mom. )
• the study focused on a variety of outcomes that not only included child outcomes (i.e. "what's best for the kid?") but also the family and mother's well-being (i.e. "what's best for everyone in the family?"), as well as analyzing the conflict/facilitation between work and family life for working mothers. much like the part time working mother, this has not been the focus of earlier studies. 
• the study followed over 1,300 mothers, spanned over 10 years, and looked at mother's employment at seven different points throughout four stages of a child's development. past studies had only focused on infancy through 1st grade. specifically, this study sought to evaluate whether there was more conflict between work and family at certain stages of a child's development.
  

and the overall conclusion of this 10 year study that followed 1,300+ women and their kids? that there are some serious benefits to having mom be employed part time. here's the quote:

In all cases where there were significant differences in maternal well-being, conflict between work and family, or parenting between part-time employment and either no employment or full-time  employment, the comparison favored part-time work. Mothers working part time reported themselves to be less depressed than stay-at-home mothers in their children’s early years and to have less  work-related conflict than those working full time. With regard to parenting, mothers working part time were observed to be more sensitive in interaction with their preschool-age children than other mothers, to provide more opportunities for learning, and to be more involved in school activities than mothers employed full time.

i thought that was pretty cool, to find that there seems to be a bit of a sweet spot somewhere in the middle, with part time work. and i think that it completely jives with what our culture is currently doing. even SAHMs are finding ways of doing a little part time work on the side, even if that work is just blogging about their family and selling add space. even that little side job allows her to step outside of mommy land and interact with other adults, as well as procure value in an economic marketplace.

and to find out that working part time is good across all the variables?? good for mom, good for kid, good for work-family balancing?? this is definitely something that our generation of mothers should sit up and take notice of, since our grandmothers' generation were all SAHMs, and our mothers' generation were often working moms, maybe we can stop the crazy pendulum swing and hit a sweet spot for our own families. at least that's what i'm taking away from this really well-thought out 10 year research project.  

read the full APA journal article here.

============================ 

as a post script, i'd like to point out a few things that totally diffused the whole mom wars issue that network "news" seems to want to drag back up ....

#1. our cultural definition of SAHM and working mom are not the ones used in this study. so before we freak out and turn on one another again, we should ignore the network hype and head back to the source--who is this study really referring to? because you might be surprised to find out that while you thought you would be classified as a stay at homer, that babysitting you do one day a week makes you a part timer.

#2. why do we let men get us so pissed off at eachother? seriously ... the two network shows looking at this study are hosted by MEN. i don't want to get all down on the guys, because i still have a soft spot in my heart for both anderson and dr. d ... but at the end of the day, let's take notice that quality women's programming isn't dragging this bs to the surface. let's not let them push our buttons.

last night's dream.

this can be filed under "pregnancy is weird and people never talk about this part of it."

i've found that my since my body began to pickle in extra hormones, my dreams have been crazy vivid. some of them are just much more colorful and feel more real, and some dig deep into my past or subconscious to dig out things i didn't know were in my brain. sometimes the result is a horrible nightmare. last night was just ridiculous and hilarious. i'll try to remember it for you...

the dream began with three of my gym teachers from high school in a room--two of them girls' coaches, and one of them a boys' coach. i was shamelessly flirting with the male coach ... to the point that it would probably be better described as sexual harassment. and steve was in the room hanging out on a cot and i remember saying, "oh, don't worry, i'm much worse with my gym coach in arizona--you can even ask steve." and he looked up and nodded. (seriously, brain?? where did that come from?? do i have a latent crush on a high school gym coach??)

the coaches left, and it was clear that this was some kind of sleeping space, because there were cots and packed up belongings--like sleep over camp or something. anyway, i think that either Jesus (yes, as in the son of God, but not in a white tunic thing, in modern day speech and apparel--the way i image he would be if he was born on earth in like 1980) ... this Jesus either showed up, or somehow called steve, and suddenly we had to get ready to go because Jesus wanted to hang out with us and had cool plans. steve ended up leaving without me because i was too slow getting ready. there was literally a significant portion of my dream where i was trying on various outfits. (this must be important to my subconscious?? unfortunately, looking back, the outfit wasn't worth writing home about.)

so i was left behind (sorry, i couldn't help myself), and had to try and catch up. the only problem was, i don't think i actually knew what Jesus had suggested for plans, or where. somehow i ended up with kirsti allie (yes, you read that right), and she had this great idea that somehow trying to salvage parts from a nearby sinking ship would help us end up wherever Jesus and steve went to hang out. and while we were on our way to the ship, i saw two guys that were our friends (not actually people i know in real life, but you know, people in the dream who i recognized as friends), but they were dressed in weird costumes--like women's wigs--trying to be subtle and not noticed. one of them was a midget. when i said hi, they played it cool.

so next thing i know, kirstie allie and i are swimming in a canal near this sinking ship and she's diving directly under the thing and bringing up all these gorgeous pieces of stained and varnished wood--like from those uber classy boats rich people own and take really good care of. at one point, she even pulls out this whole rowboat from under this larger sinking boat. after salvaging more than probably would have been on the boat in the first place, the boat finally sinks below the surface and we get out of the canal. and i see my "friends" again, but this time they're in a car. still playing it cool and not acting like they know me.

[source.]

...and now i can't remember the end. i don't know why i shared all this with you, but when i woke up in the middle of the night, i couldn't stop laughing at myself over this crazy dream. it's probably not as funny when retold, but i just loved the cast of characters ... Jesus, kirstie allie, a midget, actual gym teachers from high school?? oh, and that was just one of the dreams i had last night. the other involved working as a sidekick for sherlock holmes and getting shot at.

smoke detector angst.

i was woken early this morning by our smoke detector. not because there was a fire (there wasn't), and not because it was going off (it wasn't ... not technically). no, i woke up because even though the detector in question was in the hall and our bedroom door was closed, and i had a fan on, i could still hear it chirping, about once every 60 seconds, to tell me that the battery should probably be changed.

can we talk, people who design and manufacture smoke detectors? i get it. it's super duper important for me to get the heck out of my house if there's a fire. it's also super duper important for my smoke detector to be functioning. awesome, so you know that i'm on your side, and i get what you're trying to do.

here's my issue ... does the battery warning need to be so god-awful obnoxious? seriously, once every 60 seconds? and so piercing that i can hear it through a closed door and over a fan?? is it really that dire that i get myself out of bed in the middle of the night to replace the battery. [which, by the way, is impossible for me, because i'm an even five feet tall and can't reach the god-awful thing even when i'm standing on a chair. and if you knew how little my husband sleeps, you wouldn't want to wake him either.]

[source.]

because i'm thinking that if the battery power is so low that it's putting us all in imminent danger, we have a few options here:

1) design the freaking thing to tell me earlier, and in a less obnoxious manner (like a chirp every 15 minutes) so that a) i have time to change the battery, because i don't always have a 9-volt just laying around, and b) i can fall asleep in those 14 minutes 59 seconds, and hopefully not hear the next chirp, and not wonder if i'm taking my life in my hands by going back to sleep.

2) we should also probably not run the battery down with frequent chirping if we're in such dire circumstances. shouldn't the smoke detector preserve it's energy for something more important, like detecting a fire, should it begin chirping when we're sleeping and don't hear it, or are away on vacation? (we were only 3 days prior.)

smoke detector people: i don't want to die in a fire. i hear that's like the worst possible way to go. however, i also have pregnancy insomnia and can't reach your freaking device. wake me up in the middle of the night again and we're going to have more than words.

a man of information.

now that steve's officially on break between the semesters, i get to talk to him again. and especially on the 6+ hour car ride to/from upstate new york, i realized how much i enjoy hearing his thoughts.

i always bust on my husband because he's one of those people who is constantly taking in information. and he's really good at weeding through the crap in our information-glut culture, and zeroing in on quality pod-casts and magazines, etc. the man will literally sit in classes all day, and then listen to a pod-cast while he walks home from the office. or how about on christmas eve, when he packed up three books to take with him on vacation, less than 12 hours after pulling a serious month-long marathon of reading and writing. he excitedly said to me, "i'm just so happy that i can read what i want to for the next month." when someone says something like that to you, it's hard to not raise an eyebrow and tell them that they have a sickness. a horrible, masochistic sickness. [and i work in education ... but i also believe in giving yourself a break.]

[source.]

but on our long car rides, i realized that this sickness is one of the things i love most about this man. because he always has something really interesting to say. it might be a cool TED talk he'd watched a week ago, or a particularly poignant story that was shared on the moth. and as a result, i get to be the happy recipient of all kinds of interesting information that i didn't have to go out and find. and as an added result, even though we've been married for four and a half years, and we long ago hit that point when there's not always much to talk about (especially when i work from home, so i don't even have watercooler conversations to relate), we still have something interesting to talk about. we still get to share information and enjoy one another's minds.