it's been really good for me lately to give myself permission to not write. i don't know if it's because of the hormones, or the lack of energy, or just the shift in life phase, but i find that i have about a million post ideas that are half formed ... and then when i sit down to write, the words just don't come the way i want them to. or maybe it's just that they don't flow? eh. i don't know.
that's why i've retreated to twitter lately. because it's easier to fire off a few tweets about steve beating a mouse to death than it is to try and capture everything in a post. believe me, i tried to write a post first. it didn't work. so i gave up and tweeted about it.
and in this time of transition, as we try to get ready for a kid, get steve through another semester of grad school, continue the war on mice, try to settle into a new city (once again), and contemplate moving ... all while i'm still working and gearing up for my busy season at work (which is concurrent with the birth of our child) ... yeah. there just isn't enough of me to go around. especially when many days, it already feels like giving energy to grow a kid starts me off at less than usual.
and so for my own mental health, i've done a little re-prioritizing. cleaning the house got moved up the list. partially because i'm hoping that it will deter mice ... not that dust bunnies in the corners of the stairs or hard-water stains on the tub make a difference to a mouse when finding a place to terrorize ... but even when it doesn't do anything to help in the war on mice, it does make me feel less like we like in a ghetto slum and more like we're normal people renting a 100+ yr old row-house, where mice are always a battle.
and i've kinda cut back my blog-reading lately. partially because i'm just in one of those seasons when i'm not as interested, and partially because so many blogs out there make me feel like i'm not enough. i know this is me ... my issue ... but when you're cerebral to a fault, and people go on and on about bonding with their unborn child, it can make someone like me feel like less than a perfect mom before the kid is even born. i wish i were more vocal and had the right words ... because i know that i'm not the only first time mom who thinks this whole being pregnant thing is crazy-town, and that while it's neat to feel the baby move, it kinda reminds me of the movie alien (which i saw when i was waaaaay too young), and my first reaction isn't always "it's the best feeling in the world," but more like, "whoah. there's really a person in there. weird."
and the gorgeous home blogs? ugh. i'm waving a white flag. we have 5 months left here, and i'm already running on empty in the energy department. i need to STOP convincing myself to start crafty decor projects, and just focus on getting us organized and clean. that's all. those are simple goals. and they're really rewarding when i achieve them. don't get me wrong, i'm going to stay subscribed to these blogs for when we live in a place that feels like a home again ... but until they start posting about the best way to get rid of mice when you're allergic to cats and rent a house that was built when arizona was still a territory ... i'm probably going to not go there for awhile.
and since i've given myself some freedom to not write? and to not read? i've had more time to rest. and more time to refocus and tackle the things that are important to me ... like putting the baby clothes our moms have already bought us into size categories, so that they're sorted and ready to be de-tagged and washed, should the kid fit them, and the season be right :) and i've had time to go across town to target to hunt down the only pesky bulb that fits the ceiling fan in the kitchen that's been without a working bulb since i-don't-know-when. these are small tasks, and they don't take much, but they pay off for days with positive feelings about myself, our home, and our level of preparedness for the kiddo.
and beyond that, i've had the mental energy to face the mice issue. and the growing pile of work that isn't going to go away until after the baby comes. and i've had the energy to be helpful to steve while he's in school, even if it means just suggesting that we order a pizza so that there's no dinner to make or clean up after.
it's been a great past few weeks. and while not every day has been sunshine and rainbows (the low energy days are still the pits, and it still sucks to find "evidence" of mice all over your kitchen first thing in the morning), i can face it without letting the hormones put me on a rollercoaster ride that makes me want to vomit afterwards.
i'm not saying this is the end of the blog. but i'm also not making any promises either. honestly, i kinda love the accessibility of twitter right now, and i wish more of you were on it. i guess i'm just doing what i did last year this time ... which is letting myself breathe. letting myself remember why i started this blog in the first place ... to amuse myself, and to have an outlet. and right now, it's not serving either of those purposes ... mainly because i just don't have the energy for it.
...and if this post makes you oh-so-sad because you miss me ever so much, and now you desperately want to hang out with me on twitter, you can find me here.
2.28.2012
2.22.2012
friends don't let friends tweet at 5a.
because i'm hilarious in my own head, i decided to share with you my late night / early morning insomnia ramblings ... i mean, you already come to this blog because either a) you, too, think i'm hilarious, b) you like to laugh at me instead of with me, or c) you're already a glutton for un-funny punishment.
so here you go, my funny to me (and perhaps a select few) twitter ramblings...
i'm probably going to regret posting this to my blog, but it's been a slow week and i'm tired. and i still think i'm hilarious. and i still have rihanna's "homeless place" stuck in my head. and since sharing is caring ... you're welcome.
unless, of course, you're weird like me and you actually think i'm funny in which case ... do you like it? do you love it? do you want some more of it? you can follow me on twitter, or like the blog on fb, both of which have my random thoughts ... funny and otherwise.
so here you go, my funny to me (and perhaps a select few) twitter ramblings...
i'm probably going to regret posting this to my blog, but it's been a slow week and i'm tired. and i still think i'm hilarious. and i still have rihanna's "homeless place" stuck in my head. and since sharing is caring ... you're welcome.
unless, of course, you're weird like me and you actually think i'm funny in which case ... do you like it? do you love it? do you want some more of it? you can follow me on twitter, or like the blog on fb, both of which have my random thoughts ... funny and otherwise.
2.17.2012
where i was: a quick tour of the french quarter.
a few weeks ago i was in new orleans for a very quick conference. i absolutely love that city, and since steve's family is from a little town about 45 minutes away, i've been there a few times, and gotten the "real tour." :)
our conference hotel was just off canal street, which pretty much divides the downtown from the french quarter. i know it's very touristy of me to love the french quarter, but i really do. it's the old-world culture and charm that makes it such a unique place. it's a pocket of culture you can't find anywhere else, where old-world french meets new world southern, and amazing art and cuisine are the result. [if you've ever been to old montreal, it's something like that ... not the same french culture and influence, but that same very special location and pocket of unique culture like nowhere else.]
when i'm in new orleans, i always promise myself that i'll at least make it to cafe du monde in the french quarter. but then usually, it just doesn't happen. on this trip, i got into the city after dinner on day one. and on day two, i was in a conference all day, complete with heels and a networking reception until 7p. the last thing i wanted to do was trade my heels for walking shoes to trek out into the night. but on day three, i skipped the last two sessions (they didn't pertain to me), traded my conference wear for sneakers, leggings, and a tshirt, and took off to get just a little time in the french quarter. i only had two hours and ended up walking 2.5 miles. here's what you can see in that time (especially if it's raining, and you're pregnant, so you move slowly)...
the streetcars are amazing. this one was on canal street :) if you ever get the chance, and have time to relax and see some of new orleans, hop on one of these bad boys. i think the fare is like $1 each way (maybe $1.25?) and the insides are all wood, gorgeous, and it's incredible to see the streetcar operator drive the thing.
and of course, a trip to new orleans wouldn't be complete without at least noting (and taking a picture) of a voo doo shop. or in this case, a voo doo mart. (i thought that was kinda funny. definitely the tourist section.)
i crossed canal street and turned down decatur. it runs parallel with the mississippi (kinda, since the river's not really straight), and is the street that cafe du monde (my main goal) is on. just before i got to the promised land, i came upon jackson square (pictured above). at the back is the st. louis cathedral. it's huge and lovely, and reminds me of disney in the sense that it's the old world beauty and charm that disney had to evoke to weave its fairy tales of princesses.
there's a huge garden (which i think is actually jackson square itself), and it looks lovely, but i confess, i've never gone in. mostly because if you're looking at jackson square (like in the photo above), and you turn to your right, you see this...
i know you can't see it from here ... unless you've stood here before ... and then you know why i care ...because that green awning just past the tree on the right looks like this when you get closer...
the promised land! cafe du monde! (also note the mural in the right-most third of this photo, painted on a wall in the background. classic new orleans art, bright and lovely, even in this horribly over-exposed photo. you see this art all over the french quarter, and all over the city.)
this is the reason i hauled myself all the way into the french quarter when i only had a couple of hours ... fresh beignets, in a mountain of powdered sugar!! cafe du monde only really sells beignets (aka fried doughnuts) and cafe au lait. i ordered frozen cafe au lait, hoping it would be refreshing. i only took one sip ... it was still coffee, which i usually love ... but on a day so humid that it started to drizzle, when i'd power-walked my way there?? i stuck with my water.
crappy picture, but just past the pillar is a dude with a guitar, just singing and strumming away. completely normal in new orleans for there to be a street musician just hanging out, playing for bills.this guy was just outside the cafe when i first came in.
in fact, in the few minutes that i was sitting there on the patio, another two dudes came and set up on the side walk with a tuba and a trombone. the air in new orleans is as thick with art and music as it is with humidity.
this was my lovely view from my little cafe table, as i munched my fried dough :)
yep. i ate it all :) and it was wonderful.
also worth noting, the pigeons love the leftovers and aren't too shy to swoop in under the canopy and hang out on a table before the bus boy gets the rest. [this is for anyone out there who doesn't love birds ... there's an inside area where you could eat and not feel like you were living out your hitchcock nightmare ... laura.]
once i had my belly fully of sugar and carbs, i set off back in the direction of my hotel, but on a less direct route, so that i could wander the french quarter, enjoying its sights. i was really hoping i'd stumble upon a bakery with some king cakes for sale, so that i could bring an authentic one home to steve. unfortunately, i never found a bakery ... but i did find king cakes for sale in the walgreens on canal street. less authentic, but still made steve happy :)
the following are the random things i saw that seem to make the french quarter what it is ... at least in my eyes :)
classic new orleans ... get your booze to go!! [did you know that louisiana has drive-thru daiquiri shops? they do. but people don't drink and drive ... of course not ... because they give you a lid on your booze slushy that doesn't have a hole for a straw. so it's totally legit. and safe.]
another view of st. louis cathedral. crazy to think it was built ~200 yrs ago, and still looks so lovely.
many of the sidewalks are brick in the french quarter. just another reminder of how long ago all this was built. i also love the old wrought iron porches you see on the second story of almost every building. i'm sure there's some special name or term for this architectural feature.
all over, you see banners with gold, green, and purple. these are the mardi gras colors, and even though when i was there, mardi gras was still something like 3 weeks away, you already saw the colors flying.
huge hanging ferns and brightly painted shutters are the other architectural feature (if a plant can be architectural ... clearly i'm an expert, peeps). since it was the middle of winter, there weren't so many ferns all over, but i found one porch with some decent foliage, so i snapped it for you. and i totally dropped the ball on snapping shots of shutters, but you can see the ones on the right in a nice shade of blue.
gas-lit lanterns, wrought iron signs for hotels. don't you just love it?
and the neat thing about the buildings in the french quarter is that many of them have a courtyard on the inside of the block. this hotel had an open-air corridor to a garden courtyard. i wish i could have gotten a better photo, but with my naked eye, i could see a lovely stone bench and well-groomed trees.
and even in the more residential area, the houses have the same inner garden/courtyard too. i want a house with a secret garden / courtyard :)
that's all i got, friends. random. and accomplished in just two hours. i hope you get to visit new orleans, and take pictures of the things that catch your eye, and can share them with me too :)
our conference hotel was just off canal street, which pretty much divides the downtown from the french quarter. i know it's very touristy of me to love the french quarter, but i really do. it's the old-world culture and charm that makes it such a unique place. it's a pocket of culture you can't find anywhere else, where old-world french meets new world southern, and amazing art and cuisine are the result. [if you've ever been to old montreal, it's something like that ... not the same french culture and influence, but that same very special location and pocket of unique culture like nowhere else.]
when i'm in new orleans, i always promise myself that i'll at least make it to cafe du monde in the french quarter. but then usually, it just doesn't happen. on this trip, i got into the city after dinner on day one. and on day two, i was in a conference all day, complete with heels and a networking reception until 7p. the last thing i wanted to do was trade my heels for walking shoes to trek out into the night. but on day three, i skipped the last two sessions (they didn't pertain to me), traded my conference wear for sneakers, leggings, and a tshirt, and took off to get just a little time in the french quarter. i only had two hours and ended up walking 2.5 miles. here's what you can see in that time (especially if it's raining, and you're pregnant, so you move slowly)...
the streetcars are amazing. this one was on canal street :) if you ever get the chance, and have time to relax and see some of new orleans, hop on one of these bad boys. i think the fare is like $1 each way (maybe $1.25?) and the insides are all wood, gorgeous, and it's incredible to see the streetcar operator drive the thing.
and of course, a trip to new orleans wouldn't be complete without at least noting (and taking a picture) of a voo doo shop. or in this case, a voo doo mart. (i thought that was kinda funny. definitely the tourist section.)
i crossed canal street and turned down decatur. it runs parallel with the mississippi (kinda, since the river's not really straight), and is the street that cafe du monde (my main goal) is on. just before i got to the promised land, i came upon jackson square (pictured above). at the back is the st. louis cathedral. it's huge and lovely, and reminds me of disney in the sense that it's the old world beauty and charm that disney had to evoke to weave its fairy tales of princesses.
there's a huge garden (which i think is actually jackson square itself), and it looks lovely, but i confess, i've never gone in. mostly because if you're looking at jackson square (like in the photo above), and you turn to your right, you see this...
i know you can't see it from here ... unless you've stood here before ... and then you know why i care ...because that green awning just past the tree on the right looks like this when you get closer...
the promised land! cafe du monde! (also note the mural in the right-most third of this photo, painted on a wall in the background. classic new orleans art, bright and lovely, even in this horribly over-exposed photo. you see this art all over the french quarter, and all over the city.)
this is the reason i hauled myself all the way into the french quarter when i only had a couple of hours ... fresh beignets, in a mountain of powdered sugar!! cafe du monde only really sells beignets (aka fried doughnuts) and cafe au lait. i ordered frozen cafe au lait, hoping it would be refreshing. i only took one sip ... it was still coffee, which i usually love ... but on a day so humid that it started to drizzle, when i'd power-walked my way there?? i stuck with my water.
crappy picture, but just past the pillar is a dude with a guitar, just singing and strumming away. completely normal in new orleans for there to be a street musician just hanging out, playing for bills.this guy was just outside the cafe when i first came in.
in fact, in the few minutes that i was sitting there on the patio, another two dudes came and set up on the side walk with a tuba and a trombone. the air in new orleans is as thick with art and music as it is with humidity.
this was my lovely view from my little cafe table, as i munched my fried dough :)
yep. i ate it all :) and it was wonderful.
also worth noting, the pigeons love the leftovers and aren't too shy to swoop in under the canopy and hang out on a table before the bus boy gets the rest. [this is for anyone out there who doesn't love birds ... there's an inside area where you could eat and not feel like you were living out your hitchcock nightmare ... laura.]
once i had my belly fully of sugar and carbs, i set off back in the direction of my hotel, but on a less direct route, so that i could wander the french quarter, enjoying its sights. i was really hoping i'd stumble upon a bakery with some king cakes for sale, so that i could bring an authentic one home to steve. unfortunately, i never found a bakery ... but i did find king cakes for sale in the walgreens on canal street. less authentic, but still made steve happy :)
the following are the random things i saw that seem to make the french quarter what it is ... at least in my eyes :)
classic new orleans ... get your booze to go!! [did you know that louisiana has drive-thru daiquiri shops? they do. but people don't drink and drive ... of course not ... because they give you a lid on your booze slushy that doesn't have a hole for a straw. so it's totally legit. and safe.]
another view of st. louis cathedral. crazy to think it was built ~200 yrs ago, and still looks so lovely.
many of the sidewalks are brick in the french quarter. just another reminder of how long ago all this was built. i also love the old wrought iron porches you see on the second story of almost every building. i'm sure there's some special name or term for this architectural feature.
all over, you see banners with gold, green, and purple. these are the mardi gras colors, and even though when i was there, mardi gras was still something like 3 weeks away, you already saw the colors flying.
huge hanging ferns and brightly painted shutters are the other architectural feature (if a plant can be architectural ... clearly i'm an expert, peeps). since it was the middle of winter, there weren't so many ferns all over, but i found one porch with some decent foliage, so i snapped it for you. and i totally dropped the ball on snapping shots of shutters, but you can see the ones on the right in a nice shade of blue.
gas-lit lanterns, wrought iron signs for hotels. don't you just love it?
and the neat thing about the buildings in the french quarter is that many of them have a courtyard on the inside of the block. this hotel had an open-air corridor to a garden courtyard. i wish i could have gotten a better photo, but with my naked eye, i could see a lovely stone bench and well-groomed trees.
and even in the more residential area, the houses have the same inner garden/courtyard too. i want a house with a secret garden / courtyard :)
that's all i got, friends. random. and accomplished in just two hours. i hope you get to visit new orleans, and take pictures of the things that catch your eye, and can share them with me too :)
2.16.2012
24.
some numbers hold special meaning or significance for each of us. 24 is one of those number for me these days. this week i'm 24 weeks pregnant. did you know that this is right on the line of viability? meaning, if something catastrohpic had happened last week, there would have been little chance of survival for the little one. but week 24 is the week when you begin to hit the markers that increase a micro-preemie's chance of survival.
i know this, not because i've been reading all kinds of stuff that i shouldn't, but because my best friend had her first baby at 24 weeks, 2 days. her son was born long before they'd settled on a name, had a baby shower, or taken a tour of the hospital. long before there was a nursery set up, or being "ready" was even something that came up in conversation. to put it in perspective, her due date was february 14th (ironic that it coincides with my 24th week), and her son was born october 28th.
and for months after his birth, they all lived in the nicu, living minute to minute. because when a baby is born that early, you don't think in terms of months or weeks, or even days. you think in terms of the immediate ... is there an alarm going off on a monitor? what needs to be addressed right now, before damage is done, and before life is lost. and if for the moment, the alarms on all the machines aren't going off, you count that as a small victory ... because it's inevitable that one of them will go off again, and the staff will rush in and adjust, to try and help the baby breathe, or be fed, or any other thing full term babies do on their own, without a machine, and a monitor, and a tube.
this all happened more than two years ago, and i'm happy to report that my friends' baby beat the odds. he has no developmental issues, no eyesight issues, no heart issues. he's smart and rambunctious and a very typical two year old, being hysterical, climbing on things, and basically causing two year old boy mischief :)
it's just been so strange, to look back now that i'm going through a pregnancy myself. to mark the time and to look down at my small (but growing) stomach, and think that this is when jacquelyn gave birth. today would be my baby's birthday ... not in may or june like i'm planning and expecting, when it will be warm and humid with leaves on the trees, flowers blooming, and flip flops to wear ... instead on a grey february day, when heat is still a necessity in the car, and i'm wearing my knit hat with the ear flaps. and he would be a tiny, 1lb 9oz baby with fused eyelids, and no real plump yet ... that's what this kid inside me probably looks like. and i know, because i've seen what a baby at this point in gestation looks like. a baby that's still fully relying on me for nutrients and oxygen because his body, while all the parts are there, is not ready to take care of things like digestion and breathing, and even circulation, on his own. and i can't help but wonder what makes him move around in there. i remember watching jacquelyn's baby move around at about the same age, but it was usually for different reasons--his oxygen had dropped, he wasn't tolerating a feeding, etc. it's just so strange to have seen such a frail and tiny baby, and to have that view of what's going on inside.
i don't have the words. i feel sad all over again for my friend, for what she lost and missed out on during those first few years when things were so tenuous, and every day was a hard-wrought struggle. and i'm thankful, too, that her story is a success story. that her biggest struggle with him now is over-turned salt-shakers and an obsession with electrical outlets. i'm also thankful for a healthy pregnancy thus far. i'm thankful that now that i know where the line of viability lies, i've made it past that line. and i'm thankful for the passing of time ... how it allows life to come back from catastrophic to somewhat normal, and how time allows us to grow and heal, and for life to go on.
my friends were very lucky. last night i re-read all the updates we had posted through the time their baby was in the nicu, and i was reminded that one of the medical staff with a long career in the nicu mentioned that in her 25ish years, she'd only seen 4 or 5 babies born as early make it out of nicu with so few issues and complications. i mention this only to put in perspective the life of a nicu family. it's one i'd never thought of before my friends were thrown into it. and while i hope i never have to visit a nicu again, i also hope i never forget what it was like to be there, and i never forget to have empathy and compassion for the families living moment to moment.
i know this, not because i've been reading all kinds of stuff that i shouldn't, but because my best friend had her first baby at 24 weeks, 2 days. her son was born long before they'd settled on a name, had a baby shower, or taken a tour of the hospital. long before there was a nursery set up, or being "ready" was even something that came up in conversation. to put it in perspective, her due date was february 14th (ironic that it coincides with my 24th week), and her son was born october 28th.
 |
| at one week old (gestational age: 23 weeks), with mom. |
 |
| with mom and dad. |
 |
| with dad's ring as a bracelet. |
and for months after his birth, they all lived in the nicu, living minute to minute. because when a baby is born that early, you don't think in terms of months or weeks, or even days. you think in terms of the immediate ... is there an alarm going off on a monitor? what needs to be addressed right now, before damage is done, and before life is lost. and if for the moment, the alarms on all the machines aren't going off, you count that as a small victory ... because it's inevitable that one of them will go off again, and the staff will rush in and adjust, to try and help the baby breathe, or be fed, or any other thing full term babies do on their own, without a machine, and a monitor, and a tube.
 |
| his "nursery" for the first ~5 months. |
 |
| the first time dad got to hold him, on his 1 month birthday. |
 |
| the first time mom got to hold him on her chest, at 6 weeks. |
this all happened more than two years ago, and i'm happy to report that my friends' baby beat the odds. he has no developmental issues, no eyesight issues, no heart issues. he's smart and rambunctious and a very typical two year old, being hysterical, climbing on things, and basically causing two year old boy mischief :)
 |
| home from the hospital, with oxygen and a hat i made him :) |
 |
| christmas morning with cars. :) |
 |
| just a few weeks ago, playing with daddy's glasses. |
it's just been so strange, to look back now that i'm going through a pregnancy myself. to mark the time and to look down at my small (but growing) stomach, and think that this is when jacquelyn gave birth. today would be my baby's birthday ... not in may or june like i'm planning and expecting, when it will be warm and humid with leaves on the trees, flowers blooming, and flip flops to wear ... instead on a grey february day, when heat is still a necessity in the car, and i'm wearing my knit hat with the ear flaps. and he would be a tiny, 1lb 9oz baby with fused eyelids, and no real plump yet ... that's what this kid inside me probably looks like. and i know, because i've seen what a baby at this point in gestation looks like. a baby that's still fully relying on me for nutrients and oxygen because his body, while all the parts are there, is not ready to take care of things like digestion and breathing, and even circulation, on his own. and i can't help but wonder what makes him move around in there. i remember watching jacquelyn's baby move around at about the same age, but it was usually for different reasons--his oxygen had dropped, he wasn't tolerating a feeding, etc. it's just so strange to have seen such a frail and tiny baby, and to have that view of what's going on inside.
i don't have the words. i feel sad all over again for my friend, for what she lost and missed out on during those first few years when things were so tenuous, and every day was a hard-wrought struggle. and i'm thankful, too, that her story is a success story. that her biggest struggle with him now is over-turned salt-shakers and an obsession with electrical outlets. i'm also thankful for a healthy pregnancy thus far. i'm thankful that now that i know where the line of viability lies, i've made it past that line. and i'm thankful for the passing of time ... how it allows life to come back from catastrophic to somewhat normal, and how time allows us to grow and heal, and for life to go on.
my friends were very lucky. last night i re-read all the updates we had posted through the time their baby was in the nicu, and i was reminded that one of the medical staff with a long career in the nicu mentioned that in her 25ish years, she'd only seen 4 or 5 babies born as early make it out of nicu with so few issues and complications. i mention this only to put in perspective the life of a nicu family. it's one i'd never thought of before my friends were thrown into it. and while i hope i never have to visit a nicu again, i also hope i never forget what it was like to be there, and i never forget to have empathy and compassion for the families living moment to moment.
2.13.2012
my dirty little secret.
this parenting thing kinda already sucks. and the kid isn't even here yet.
i am seriously struggling to put a baby registry together. i've been working on it for a month now (not joking, not exaggerating) and it's completely stressing me out.
and it's not because i'm sucked into the whole mommy industry telling me every little bit of equipment and gear i'll need ... because i'm actually feeling confident about some of the bigger choices we've made. (i.e. we're not going to go with a travel system because the strollers are too cumbersome for someone who is barely 5 ft tall, and i don't like that the car seat isn't even going to get me through the first year when we can get one that will go from 5 to 65lbs. we're also getting a small, compact swing in place of a bouncy seat and a larger swing because we don't have a lot of space and really both functions are accomplished with this one item. bam.)
being a teenager and having a 15 yr age gap with my baby brother not only gave me a front-row seat for all things baby, it also showed me that there's a lot i don't need, or that would just be overkill in our little compact life (like a full sized high chair). i have experience with big choices. i can handle those.
what is driving me to tweet tirades directed at babies r us and target is my lack of knowledge of the little things that make up the daily life of a newborn. bottles. diapers. nursing paraphernalia. all of these items are "try it out" or "learn from experience" stuff and that's completely stressing me out. i don't want to register for a cabinet's worth of medela bottles, only to find out a week into the kid's life that the nipples just don't work for him (even though they worked for lots of other kids). i don't like that i can't start stockpiling diapers now because every kid has a different leak/fit issue with a different brand, and i have no way of knowing that until we have 3 leaks in a row and suddenly it's just not worth using the rest of the box of diapers.
and even where there is information and data to be had, it's seriously lacking. for example ... car seats. did you know that babies r us carries 109 different convertible car seats?? they do. did you also know that consumer reports only tested 27 convertible car seats? they did. and did you lastly know that the consumer reports top-rated convertible car seat (which just so happens to be the "Safety First Onside Air") is no longer carried by babies r us. i think it's discontinued. steve and i got an online subscription to consumer reports expressly to help us pick out registry items. silly me, i thought they'd have the frantic mom market cornered. apparently not, because their tests aren't even up to date with the latest carseats available.
i know i sound certifiable right now, and that's ok, i'm just being honest. because this is me (albeit, the effect is enhanced by these damn hormones), and i know that this is how i am. i really like to be well-prepared for things. i don't like to start a task or project unless i'm fairly confident i can be successful at it. and my need to be prepared and confident of success is directly proportional to the importance of the task or project. so you can imagine how much more i feel this need for information and preparedness with a kid coming. and i bet you can imagine how much harder it is for me, knowing that we don't really have a nursery to start setting up (it's my office, and we're moving shortly after kid comes, whole other sob story for a whole other day). so it's really just chaos all around. chaos is not my favorite when the stakes are high.
all this is why i'm driven to tears over a stupid 3-pack of bottles on a baby registry. and it's further compounded by the fact that i'm not spending my own money on these items--i'm asking my friends to spend their hard-earned money on something that i can't be sure will even work for us. a lot of these friends have families on one income, and i know how precious $30 is for them--i'd hate for it to go to waste. this is completely different than a wedding registry, where you can still be frugal and practical, and register for items you know you need and will use, because you are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul, etc.
and i know, i know, this is only the beginning. i will never be prepared for anything in parenting, ever. i will constantly be trying to readjust and try a new thing or angle, and make it work again. i'm just writing today because i need to let it out. i need to express my frustration with this process of pseudo-preparing for a baby (because let's be honest, in order to really be prepared, i'd need to either own babies r us, or be married to the local general manager who could get me access to one of everything). i also feel the need to put this out there ... because "preparing for baby" is always portrayed as this skip-through-a-field, say "aawwwww!!" over the size of socks, fulfilling maternal experience. and i suppose there are lots of mothers who feel that way. but i don't. and i don't think i'm alone (even though i've already had others tell me that i'm wrong--it's only me who gets stressed any annoyed by this process ... but i know better than to believe them).
------------------------------------
i considered turning the comments off for this post. mainly because this is me, putting my neurosis out there. please be kind. please don't tell me to just calm down--that's not helpful. please only comment if you have something supportive to say or can commiserate. my little heart thanks you in advance.
i am seriously struggling to put a baby registry together. i've been working on it for a month now (not joking, not exaggerating) and it's completely stressing me out.
and it's not because i'm sucked into the whole mommy industry telling me every little bit of equipment and gear i'll need ... because i'm actually feeling confident about some of the bigger choices we've made. (i.e. we're not going to go with a travel system because the strollers are too cumbersome for someone who is barely 5 ft tall, and i don't like that the car seat isn't even going to get me through the first year when we can get one that will go from 5 to 65lbs. we're also getting a small, compact swing in place of a bouncy seat and a larger swing because we don't have a lot of space and really both functions are accomplished with this one item. bam.)
being a teenager and having a 15 yr age gap with my baby brother not only gave me a front-row seat for all things baby, it also showed me that there's a lot i don't need, or that would just be overkill in our little compact life (like a full sized high chair). i have experience with big choices. i can handle those.
what is driving me to tweet tirades directed at babies r us and target is my lack of knowledge of the little things that make up the daily life of a newborn. bottles. diapers. nursing paraphernalia. all of these items are "try it out" or "learn from experience" stuff and that's completely stressing me out. i don't want to register for a cabinet's worth of medela bottles, only to find out a week into the kid's life that the nipples just don't work for him (even though they worked for lots of other kids). i don't like that i can't start stockpiling diapers now because every kid has a different leak/fit issue with a different brand, and i have no way of knowing that until we have 3 leaks in a row and suddenly it's just not worth using the rest of the box of diapers.
and even where there is information and data to be had, it's seriously lacking. for example ... car seats. did you know that babies r us carries 109 different convertible car seats?? they do. did you also know that consumer reports only tested 27 convertible car seats? they did. and did you lastly know that the consumer reports top-rated convertible car seat (which just so happens to be the "Safety First Onside Air") is no longer carried by babies r us. i think it's discontinued. steve and i got an online subscription to consumer reports expressly to help us pick out registry items. silly me, i thought they'd have the frantic mom market cornered. apparently not, because their tests aren't even up to date with the latest carseats available.
i know i sound certifiable right now, and that's ok, i'm just being honest. because this is me (albeit, the effect is enhanced by these damn hormones), and i know that this is how i am. i really like to be well-prepared for things. i don't like to start a task or project unless i'm fairly confident i can be successful at it. and my need to be prepared and confident of success is directly proportional to the importance of the task or project. so you can imagine how much more i feel this need for information and preparedness with a kid coming. and i bet you can imagine how much harder it is for me, knowing that we don't really have a nursery to start setting up (it's my office, and we're moving shortly after kid comes, whole other sob story for a whole other day). so it's really just chaos all around. chaos is not my favorite when the stakes are high.
all this is why i'm driven to tears over a stupid 3-pack of bottles on a baby registry. and it's further compounded by the fact that i'm not spending my own money on these items--i'm asking my friends to spend their hard-earned money on something that i can't be sure will even work for us. a lot of these friends have families on one income, and i know how precious $30 is for them--i'd hate for it to go to waste. this is completely different than a wedding registry, where you can still be frugal and practical, and register for items you know you need and will use, because you are the master of your fate, the captain of your soul, etc.
and i know, i know, this is only the beginning. i will never be prepared for anything in parenting, ever. i will constantly be trying to readjust and try a new thing or angle, and make it work again. i'm just writing today because i need to let it out. i need to express my frustration with this process of pseudo-preparing for a baby (because let's be honest, in order to really be prepared, i'd need to either own babies r us, or be married to the local general manager who could get me access to one of everything). i also feel the need to put this out there ... because "preparing for baby" is always portrayed as this skip-through-a-field, say "aawwwww!!" over the size of socks, fulfilling maternal experience. and i suppose there are lots of mothers who feel that way. but i don't. and i don't think i'm alone (even though i've already had others tell me that i'm wrong--it's only me who gets stressed any annoyed by this process ... but i know better than to believe them).
------------------------------------
i considered turning the comments off for this post. mainly because this is me, putting my neurosis out there. please be kind. please don't tell me to just calm down--that's not helpful. please only comment if you have something supportive to say or can commiserate. my little heart thanks you in advance.
2.09.2012
gender roles, family, & work: where i'm coming from.
as i begin to think about these issues, and how i can craft sentences for you to begin to sketch out my thoughts, i continually think to myself, "but the people who read my blog don't know x about me, so i would need to explain that." and i think this because there are so many different views and convictions out there, and each one comes from somewhere. people don't just believe something so strongly about family without having an experience or belief to back it up. and so i thought that as i begin this thought journey with you, i should share some of my experiences and beliefs, because they'll help you to understand where i'm coming from, and why some things that may not be a point of contention for you, are a point of contention for me, etc.
my family history.
i figured i might as well start here, since many of our expectations and unconscious thoughts and convictions about family come from our own childhood, whether we recognize it or not.
when i was 3, my parents separated. i lived with my mother and younger brother for the majority of my childhood (through age 10). my parents wrangled in family court a lot and it wasn't until i was 8 or 9 that they actually got a finalized divorce. part of this was because divorces are expensive and my mother, trying to support two kids and pay a mortgage as a hair stylist, didn't have much disposable income, much less for lawyers fees. so for a good part of my childhood, i was raised by a single mom who worked out of her own salon, attached to our home (a garage that had been converted).
when i was 10, my mom remarried. even after remarriage, my mother continued to work (and continues to work to this day), as a small business owner of her own one-woman salon. a few years later, my mom and step-father adopted my youngest brother from korea. he and i have a 15 yr age gap. in many ways, he is my biggest reference point for babies and children, since i've had a front-row view for his growth and development, from 4 months old to 10 yrs old (when we moved to tucson).
my spirituality.
this is something that i think really influences our worldviews in general, and that has a tendency to really surface when we have to decide how we want to guide another human being through life. i am a christian. i believe the bible and the gospel of Jesus as the christ, sacrificed and resurrected as atonement for the sin of the world. i spent two years studying the bible, theology, and ministry after high school and before i did my undergrad. it was at a conservative institution--you know, the kind where the women are required to wear skirts to class :) and while i probably wouldn't require the same culture of rule-following if i were the one who got to make the rules, i still really enjoyed my time there, made some life-long friends, and not only learned how to read and interpret the bible for myself, but also deepened my relationship with, and understanding of, God.
this plays into my beliefs about family, gender, work, etc in many ways. regarding family--i believe strongly in marriage as a bond that unites two people for life. i also believe that marriage is particularly sacred as it is the only institution of God that was created before the fall of man, and as such, was a part of God's original, perfect plan for creation, before sin came and effed everything up. i believe that both marriage and love are commitments we make to our partner, that we live out in big and small ways every day.
regarding gender--i believe that men and women were created differently. however, i think that that difference is not entirely easy to pinpoint and define. i do believe it extends beyond anatomy, but do not believe there is a firm biblical argument that can be made to state that it extends so far as to dictate specifics such as tasks, etc. i consider myself a biblical feminist, which is a term i coined for myself (if you google it, i can't promise you'll get a definition that aligns with what i believe).
there is much more i could say, regarding parenting and work as well, but this whole topic is a whole other post ... or series of posts ... so i'll just leave it at that for now.)
my community.
because much of my in-real-life community falls within christianity, there is a strong cultural trend of working dad and stay-at-home-mom. (at least at this point--many of non-christian friends are not yet married and do not have kids, though a few are beginning to make those life choices as well.) some of our friends chose this SAHM/working dad dynamic out of a deeply held conviction that the woman was created to be the care-giver, and the man the provider/protector. others made this decision due to career or financial reasons (i.e. one friend realized that with any more than one kid, the daycare cost was more than her income, so she opted to stay home). when i look around at the people who i have shared my life with, the ones who have married and had kids are mainly the mom-at-home model. i have one or two friends where the mom also works.
this is part of the reason why i began pondering these questions ... because truth be told, there is a serious lack of working mothers in my real-life community for me to talk to about the choices steve and i are about to make. the closest i have is a friend who works (as does her husband), but in her situation, her sister is local and able to watch her son during the day. i've recently been exploring online communities of working mothers, and am finding more answers to all the questions of "how do i make this work?"
my struggle.
as i've posted about family and gender and choices, a lot of really awesome and kind people have posted encouraging and supportive things like, "well, i just think every family has to make it's own decision and we can't judge them for it." in some respects, i totally agree. i have never walked in your shoes, and so it's ignorant of me to assume i know what it's like to carry your burdens, or to make your choices. however, i also think that the difficulty with this topic is that it's not completely arbitrary. there are some factors that are healthier, or will provide a higher likelihood of a certain outcome.
that being said, i think that family choices (especially when we consider gender and work) are very complex. this is not a simple assembly line of making full-grown adults, and if we just replace machine A with machine B along the line, suddenly we end up with a better end result. no. in fact, i think that it's so complex, that the easiest answer is to leave it up to the individual, because we all have different factors we're living with (and against). but for me, then there isn't any knowledge sharing. then i don't get any benefit of looking in on your family and seeing how you do things, and trying to learn from your success and your mistakes. my goal here is not to judge people's choice and make them feel bad about those choices, but to consider the options and the various choices and philosophies.
and this is what this thought journey is about for me ... learning ... so that as we begin to set patterns for our life, steve and i aren't working off of our own ignorance and un-informed thinking ... but that we have models to build from. and a well-thought out philosophy of how and why we do family the way we do it.
------------------------------------------------------
i am absolutely certain that i will offend people with this series of posts (which is partially why i've been so slow to develop posts). because the reality is that you and i will have differences of opinions. and unfortunately, this is not the ideal medium for this kind of discussion. i wish you all lived in baltimore, and we could meet at a coffee shop and swap stories. or better yet, we could have family play dates, and i could meet your kids and partners, and see your family in action, and learn from that.
but this is a blog. so i write in a vacuum and hope that you know that this thought journey is not intended to hurt others, and i sincerely hope you will grant me extra grace and kindness and the benefit of the doubt when my pregnant brain doesn't pick up that a certain turn of phrase could be misinterpreted.
--------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: wondering where the heck this is coming from, or why i'm going on and on about it?? read my introductory post here, or click on this nifty little button that i created for us to use, so that you can get to the original post, where all the following posts will be cataloged.
my family history.
i figured i might as well start here, since many of our expectations and unconscious thoughts and convictions about family come from our own childhood, whether we recognize it or not.
when i was 3, my parents separated. i lived with my mother and younger brother for the majority of my childhood (through age 10). my parents wrangled in family court a lot and it wasn't until i was 8 or 9 that they actually got a finalized divorce. part of this was because divorces are expensive and my mother, trying to support two kids and pay a mortgage as a hair stylist, didn't have much disposable income, much less for lawyers fees. so for a good part of my childhood, i was raised by a single mom who worked out of her own salon, attached to our home (a garage that had been converted).
when i was 10, my mom remarried. even after remarriage, my mother continued to work (and continues to work to this day), as a small business owner of her own one-woman salon. a few years later, my mom and step-father adopted my youngest brother from korea. he and i have a 15 yr age gap. in many ways, he is my biggest reference point for babies and children, since i've had a front-row view for his growth and development, from 4 months old to 10 yrs old (when we moved to tucson).
my spirituality.
this is something that i think really influences our worldviews in general, and that has a tendency to really surface when we have to decide how we want to guide another human being through life. i am a christian. i believe the bible and the gospel of Jesus as the christ, sacrificed and resurrected as atonement for the sin of the world. i spent two years studying the bible, theology, and ministry after high school and before i did my undergrad. it was at a conservative institution--you know, the kind where the women are required to wear skirts to class :) and while i probably wouldn't require the same culture of rule-following if i were the one who got to make the rules, i still really enjoyed my time there, made some life-long friends, and not only learned how to read and interpret the bible for myself, but also deepened my relationship with, and understanding of, God.
this plays into my beliefs about family, gender, work, etc in many ways. regarding family--i believe strongly in marriage as a bond that unites two people for life. i also believe that marriage is particularly sacred as it is the only institution of God that was created before the fall of man, and as such, was a part of God's original, perfect plan for creation, before sin came and effed everything up. i believe that both marriage and love are commitments we make to our partner, that we live out in big and small ways every day.
regarding gender--i believe that men and women were created differently. however, i think that that difference is not entirely easy to pinpoint and define. i do believe it extends beyond anatomy, but do not believe there is a firm biblical argument that can be made to state that it extends so far as to dictate specifics such as tasks, etc. i consider myself a biblical feminist, which is a term i coined for myself (if you google it, i can't promise you'll get a definition that aligns with what i believe).
there is much more i could say, regarding parenting and work as well, but this whole topic is a whole other post ... or series of posts ... so i'll just leave it at that for now.)
my community.
because much of my in-real-life community falls within christianity, there is a strong cultural trend of working dad and stay-at-home-mom. (at least at this point--many of non-christian friends are not yet married and do not have kids, though a few are beginning to make those life choices as well.) some of our friends chose this SAHM/working dad dynamic out of a deeply held conviction that the woman was created to be the care-giver, and the man the provider/protector. others made this decision due to career or financial reasons (i.e. one friend realized that with any more than one kid, the daycare cost was more than her income, so she opted to stay home). when i look around at the people who i have shared my life with, the ones who have married and had kids are mainly the mom-at-home model. i have one or two friends where the mom also works.
this is part of the reason why i began pondering these questions ... because truth be told, there is a serious lack of working mothers in my real-life community for me to talk to about the choices steve and i are about to make. the closest i have is a friend who works (as does her husband), but in her situation, her sister is local and able to watch her son during the day. i've recently been exploring online communities of working mothers, and am finding more answers to all the questions of "how do i make this work?"
my struggle.
as i've posted about family and gender and choices, a lot of really awesome and kind people have posted encouraging and supportive things like, "well, i just think every family has to make it's own decision and we can't judge them for it." in some respects, i totally agree. i have never walked in your shoes, and so it's ignorant of me to assume i know what it's like to carry your burdens, or to make your choices. however, i also think that the difficulty with this topic is that it's not completely arbitrary. there are some factors that are healthier, or will provide a higher likelihood of a certain outcome.
that being said, i think that family choices (especially when we consider gender and work) are very complex. this is not a simple assembly line of making full-grown adults, and if we just replace machine A with machine B along the line, suddenly we end up with a better end result. no. in fact, i think that it's so complex, that the easiest answer is to leave it up to the individual, because we all have different factors we're living with (and against). but for me, then there isn't any knowledge sharing. then i don't get any benefit of looking in on your family and seeing how you do things, and trying to learn from your success and your mistakes. my goal here is not to judge people's choice and make them feel bad about those choices, but to consider the options and the various choices and philosophies.
and this is what this thought journey is about for me ... learning ... so that as we begin to set patterns for our life, steve and i aren't working off of our own ignorance and un-informed thinking ... but that we have models to build from. and a well-thought out philosophy of how and why we do family the way we do it.
------------------------------------------------------
i am absolutely certain that i will offend people with this series of posts (which is partially why i've been so slow to develop posts). because the reality is that you and i will have differences of opinions. and unfortunately, this is not the ideal medium for this kind of discussion. i wish you all lived in baltimore, and we could meet at a coffee shop and swap stories. or better yet, we could have family play dates, and i could meet your kids and partners, and see your family in action, and learn from that.
but this is a blog. so i write in a vacuum and hope that you know that this thought journey is not intended to hurt others, and i sincerely hope you will grant me extra grace and kindness and the benefit of the doubt when my pregnant brain doesn't pick up that a certain turn of phrase could be misinterpreted.
--------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: wondering where the heck this is coming from, or why i'm going on and on about it?? read my introductory post here, or click on this nifty little button that i created for us to use, so that you can get to the original post, where all the following posts will be cataloged.
2.07.2012
who is this person??
this whole pregnancy thing is seriously the weirdest.
i mean, i think that i am a product of my generation, and we have really been taught to be self-aware. and for the past 10 years (aka my adulthood), i've spent some seriously time reflecting on my thoughts, my actions, my feelings ... basically noticing what i do, and why, and tweaking things to try and be a better person. or at least do less destructive things to myself and others. [the ethicist in my head--aka steve--is pointing out to me that ethic of "do less harm" is a little utilitarian of me. if this parenthesis makes no sense to you, thank God for it and move on ... it means you're normal ... like i was a few years ago, before philosophy invaded my brain.]
so the problem that pregnancy presents is that suddenly, all bets are off. this logic model that i've carefully crafted and tweaked, in an effort to learn myself and manage myself suddenly doesn't make sense. and it's not just the extra emotions or the drive towards nesting ... it also extends to the physical and mental as well. it's weird when you're not in control of your body. and when things that you could normally reason away suddenly become obession-worthy.
like how a few weeks ago, a mouse (yes, the mice are back ... don't even get me started) got trapped in the bedroom with me when i went to bed. and i knew it was in there with me because i was awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of clawing and biting at the door. seriously ... it was loud enough to wake me up. when i tried to turn the lights on, nothing was there ... i promptly got freaked out and called steve via cell phone to come up stairs, because there is something in the room with me, and i'm not moving from the bed to investigate.
long story short, he came, turned on lights, we saw nothing. we inspected the nooks and crannies but the thing must've gotten away, and i think both the humans and the animal(s) involved were grateful for that. now, in normal world, where people are rational and can think through things with logic and reasoning, i would have been able to talk myself through it ... i would have said things to myself like, "well, we've never found evidence of a mouse in our room before ... and we sleep with the bedroom door closed and locked every night ... so this must have really been a one-time occurrence, since there's no reason to think that the mouse could get in or out in any way but via the door."
however, i no longer live in normal world, i now live in pregnancy world, where random crap causes you to spiral out of control, and be afraid to even get out of the bed to walk three paces to the bathroom, even though you're five months pregnant and peeing isn't really optional. in this world, you debate whether you can really ever sleep again, after knowing that a mouse was in your room, and you finally decide to "sleep" with all the lights on, even though that means that you don't really sleep at all.
my point is that where i could normally reason my way out of becoming the crazy woman ... now i've completely lost that ability.
on top of it, i'm still proceeding like i'm not really pregnant ... starting projects i shouldn't, and then getting ridiculously mad at myself (and anyone standing nearby) when i get overwhelmed by all the ridiculous! un-finished! projects! in! my! house!!
or how about that disappointing news at work?? in normal world, i would be bummed, but i would move on. i certainly wouldn't still stress about it after taking a 3 day weekend, and getting back to the grind. oy.
i was not prepared for this crazy personality shift i'm experiencing. no one told me this would happen. or if they did, i somehow did not hear them. can you please tell me who is this crazy person i've become? and will i ever learn a logic model to understand why random and ridiculous things make me crazy??
i mean, i think that i am a product of my generation, and we have really been taught to be self-aware. and for the past 10 years (aka my adulthood), i've spent some seriously time reflecting on my thoughts, my actions, my feelings ... basically noticing what i do, and why, and tweaking things to try and be a better person. or at least do less destructive things to myself and others. [the ethicist in my head--aka steve--is pointing out to me that ethic of "do less harm" is a little utilitarian of me. if this parenthesis makes no sense to you, thank God for it and move on ... it means you're normal ... like i was a few years ago, before philosophy invaded my brain.]
so the problem that pregnancy presents is that suddenly, all bets are off. this logic model that i've carefully crafted and tweaked, in an effort to learn myself and manage myself suddenly doesn't make sense. and it's not just the extra emotions or the drive towards nesting ... it also extends to the physical and mental as well. it's weird when you're not in control of your body. and when things that you could normally reason away suddenly become obession-worthy.
like how a few weeks ago, a mouse (yes, the mice are back ... don't even get me started) got trapped in the bedroom with me when i went to bed. and i knew it was in there with me because i was awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of clawing and biting at the door. seriously ... it was loud enough to wake me up. when i tried to turn the lights on, nothing was there ... i promptly got freaked out and called steve via cell phone to come up stairs, because there is something in the room with me, and i'm not moving from the bed to investigate.
long story short, he came, turned on lights, we saw nothing. we inspected the nooks and crannies but the thing must've gotten away, and i think both the humans and the animal(s) involved were grateful for that. now, in normal world, where people are rational and can think through things with logic and reasoning, i would have been able to talk myself through it ... i would have said things to myself like, "well, we've never found evidence of a mouse in our room before ... and we sleep with the bedroom door closed and locked every night ... so this must have really been a one-time occurrence, since there's no reason to think that the mouse could get in or out in any way but via the door."
however, i no longer live in normal world, i now live in pregnancy world, where random crap causes you to spiral out of control, and be afraid to even get out of the bed to walk three paces to the bathroom, even though you're five months pregnant and peeing isn't really optional. in this world, you debate whether you can really ever sleep again, after knowing that a mouse was in your room, and you finally decide to "sleep" with all the lights on, even though that means that you don't really sleep at all.
my point is that where i could normally reason my way out of becoming the crazy woman ... now i've completely lost that ability.
on top of it, i'm still proceeding like i'm not really pregnant ... starting projects i shouldn't, and then getting ridiculously mad at myself (and anyone standing nearby) when i get overwhelmed by all the ridiculous! un-finished! projects! in! my! house!!
or how about that disappointing news at work?? in normal world, i would be bummed, but i would move on. i certainly wouldn't still stress about it after taking a 3 day weekend, and getting back to the grind. oy.
i was not prepared for this crazy personality shift i'm experiencing. no one told me this would happen. or if they did, i somehow did not hear them. can you please tell me who is this crazy person i've become? and will i ever learn a logic model to understand why random and ridiculous things make me crazy??
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