finding the private/public balance.

man, i so want to be one of those women who just lay it all out there and don't give a damn about what other people think or say. i *so* want to just hop onto this blog and tell you all about what the past month has been like for me, and why i'm pissed that stories like mine aren't a part of the typical narrative in the childbirth class.

but i don't. i even tried a few times ... starting posts and them deleting them before i got beyond a paragraph or two. because at the end of the day, i don't know you. and you don't know me. and that amount of exposure necessarily produces a certain amount of vulnerability. like walking around in public in your underwear.

and the funny thing is, it's not so much the people i don't know ... or the people i'm close to ... it's the people in between. you know, the people i've forgotten that i've told about this blog. or the random facebook friends who stumbled on this blog because stupid instagram linked it to my real life facebook page.

i write under a pseudonym because i want the little bit of privacy and control that it affords. but after awhile, that privacy morphs, and the control unravels just a little, and always when you're not looking.

so i wish i was one of those women who could be all bold and share words like "cervix" and "mucus plug" and not think "dear God, i'm talking all about my lady business to people who know my real name but aren't necessarily my friends." but alas, i am not. i am not as brave as i thought i was when i started this blog. i'm not as bold. i'm not as honest or as willing to put myself out there. because in the end, i'm a real person with real insecurities and challenges, that i'm not always willing to let other people in on.

who knows? maybe in a month or two, i'll feel completely different about what the past few weeks has been like, and i'll want to share ... mainly because it just caught me off guard, because i hadn't heard a similar experience before ... and i want to put it out there for the benefit of others ... and maybe i won't.

things i'm looking forward to.

these are the things i've been looking forward to, now for months. and while in some ways, they feel like a carrot that is dangled before me, never to get closer, no matter how i move, i can't help but think about them...

1. laying on my stomach. so often, i just want to stretch out on the bed or couch, propped up on my elbows to read a book. i can't wait to do this again.
2. sleep on my back. this was my favorite position for the past few years. i cannot wait to return to it.
3. drink alcohol.
4. sit without feeling my stomach on my own lap.
5. be able to reach things on the car floor without getting all the way out of the car and bending down to get them.
6. being able to get into and out of the car in one movement, instead of 3 maneauvers.
7. rolling over in my sleep without waking up or shimmeying, or having to rearrange the 8 pillows that  prop me up.
8. not being asked by strangers when i'm due or what i'm having [please, God, let this go away once he's out.]
9. everyone and their brother asking in public spheres, like facebook, about when i'm going to have the baby. [spoiler alert:: if i knew, we'd have had him by now, folks.]
10. not accidentally bumping into things because i'm not used to having a 60 inch waiste-line.